Fun At The Zoo With The RIA Crew
Original Young Adult Fiction
Written by The Funk Mistress
The place: Democratic Cuba.
The year: 3023.
Okay. So it was Riaopia in the year 2001 and Cuba was still a harsh, bloody, ruthless dictatorship.
But who cares?
This wasn’t Cuba (though our local high school did come close) and life was good.
Our resident Riaopians are about to take a trip to the zoo, and boy are they excited! Giddy with childhood joy, the crew set out to the parking lot of school, where they would hitch a ride with Super Fly the Wise Guy.
“Well, Funk Mistress. Are you gonna tell us the story?” Guy the Manager asked.
“Once, when I was just a little Funk Mistress, I went to a beautiful place full of animals and -”
“And grass!” DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon yelled, clapping his hands excitedly.
“Yes. And grass. Beautiful green grass. Not like the stumpy dead grass we see on the borders of Riaopia. Some of it even reached to your waist.”
“And the benches?” DJ Hadoken asked. Everyone was turned around, watching her as she spoke.
“Super Fly! Turn around and drive! Oh my Funk! Look out!” she squealed.
“Whirling Gyrations!” one of the DJs screamed.
As Super Fly the Wise Guy swerved out of the way, the Mack Truck driver that they almost ran into started to excessively gyrate and lose control.
Behind the group now lay mass destruction and carnage. It almost looked like Meta-Guy had been there.
“That was close. As I was saying, the benches. Ah, yes, the benches. There were benches galore! Not too heavy, not bolted down like in most public places. They were ripe for the picking. If you can, try to imagine The Promised Land, but ten times better. That’s the zoo.”
DJ Benvenuto tried to stifle a cry of joy. Suddenly, Super Fly squealed like a camp counselor who had tried cotton candy for the first time and was experiencing their first sugar induced imaginings.*
*RIA does not support the use of cotton candy that causes sugar induced imaginings. The above statement was simply a comparison. If you knew Super Fly, you’d understand. Back to our tale.
“Look,” he cried out. “We’re here.”
They entered the zoo in a state of awe, stumbling about the place.
“Look! Hairy Hulk Smashes. Dozens of them!” DJ Fuji the Man Scout screamed in delight.
“Don’t let appearances deceive you, Fuji. It’s just a gorilla. I can understand how you would be confused though. It does bear a striking resemblance to a typical Hulk Smash,” DJ Wang replied.
“Enough! I need sustenance," DJ Skittles growled. “Let us eat. I smuggled in some Uncle Jemima’s 280 proof.”
“Sir," said Super Fly to an innocent bystander. “Would you direct us to the lunch trucks?”
“Huh? What did you say, Punk? I’m so stupid!”
Super Fly apologized, “I’m sorry. You must have us confused with the Ghetto Punks. As we were saying, where are your lunch trucks? The Latin Bronco, perhaps?”
“I cut you!” the innocent bystander yelled in reply as he pulled out a knife.
“Ahhhhh!” screamed Guy the Manager.
“You’re fired!” shouted DJ Benvenuto.
“You’re rehired!” exclaimed DJ Skittles.
“FUNK!” screeched The Funk Mistress. The attacker fell to the floor, and the Riaopians fled as the puny zoo security approached.
“We can hide in there!” DJ Skittles said, pointing to a large screened structure. The Riaopians opened the screen door and ran inside.
“What dark corner of Funk Hell have we wandered into?” The Funk Mistress wondered aloud.
“The horror! The horror!” DJ Benvenuto exclaimed.
“Hold me!” DJ Hadoken yelled as he started to cry.
“Ancients! What have they done to you? Oh, the humanity!” DJ Fuji sobbed.
All around them were Ancients locked behind screens. All sizes, shapes, and colors of Ancients. Caged as if they were common animals.
But then came the worst of all.
A baby ancient Ancient (Ancients prior to their current evolutionary state) crawled by.
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“We must free them," said Super Fly. “DJ Hadoken, use your Hadoken level
7.”
“No. These confines are far too strong,” he replied. “Funk Mistress, can you ’Kuso Te’ it? Or FUNK it?”
“No. My powers are useless against these walls. But I think I know what can help,” The Funk Mistress looked at the DJs’ hands and nodded.
The DJs held their Rings to the sky.
Suddenly, there was a gust of wind. And then -
Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation proceeded to perform the famous dance routine from that well-known pop song.
“No time, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation! Zoo security is approaching!” shouted The Funk Mistress.
“Use your crotch laser!” DJ Wang called.
“Eee-hee-hee!” The walls shook as the sound reverberated off them. “I’ve weakened the structure!”
“Man,” DJ Wang grumbled. “It’s really irresponsible of him to be driving a Mack Truck if he has a condition like that. He’s putting people’s lives in danger.”
“Super Fly! Stop turning around and watch where you’re driving! Look out! We’re gonna crash!”
“Whirling Gyrations!"
“No. These confines are far too strong,” he replied. “Funk Mistress, can you ’Kuso Te’ it? Or FUNK it?”
“No. My powers are useless against these walls. But I think I know what can help,” The Funk Mistress looked at the DJs’ hands and nodded.
The DJs held their Rings to the sky.
“Economic Hardship!”
“The Student Body!”
“Filthy Lifestyle!”
“Oral Communication!”
“Whirling Gyrations!”
Suddenly, there was a gust of wind. And then -
“With your powers combined, I am Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation!”
“Go Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation!” they all shouted in unison.
Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation,
He’s a weirdo!
He’s a weirdo!
If you’re not careful,
He’s gonna feel ya!
He’s gonna feel ya!
He’s got a bad case of the student body!
When he’s lonely,
He drinks Tequila!
He drinks Tequila!
Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation proceeded to perform the famous dance routine from that well-known pop song.
“No time, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation! Zoo security is approaching!” shouted The Funk Mistress.
“Use your crotch laser!” DJ Wang called.
“Eee-hee-hee!” The walls shook as the sound reverberated off them. “I’ve weakened the structure!”
He grabbed his crotch, “Hoooooooo!” A beam of light shot forward, the walls
exploded, and the Ancients were free.
“Thank you, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation!” Guy the Manager called out.
“No problem, Riaopians. And remember, I did not do the dirty deeds with that individual who due to ongoing litigation must remain anonymous. Or anyone for that matter. Ever.”
The Riaopians stared at him strangely.
“I need to get laid.”
“Anyway... Back to the Rings you go!” said DJ Hadoken.
“Oh no! Security is here! And Baldo’s with them! What should we do?” cried The Funk Mistress.
DJ Wang pulled something from his pocket. “Bear-Hug-mon! I choose you!”
“Shlug hug!” moaned Bear-Hug-mon.
“Good idea! Let’s see if this helps. By the power of FUNK, I invoke you to bring to me Frank’s interpreter and the Hulk Smashes!” The Funk Mistress screamed.
“Alaaaaallllbaaaallaa!” Ah, the battle cry of Frank’s #1 interpreter.
“I’m so stupid! I’m a lamester!” Apparently, the Hulk Smashes came to play too.
“It worked! Let’s run!” said DJ Wang as he and DJ Skittles grabbed her arm and ran to Super Fly the Wise Guy’s car.
“Thank you, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation!” Guy the Manager called out.
“No problem, Riaopians. And remember, I did not do the dirty deeds with that individual who due to ongoing litigation must remain anonymous. Or anyone for that matter. Ever.”
The Riaopians stared at him strangely.
“I need to get laid.”
“Anyway... Back to the Rings you go!” said DJ Hadoken.
“Oh no! Security is here! And Baldo’s with them! What should we do?” cried The Funk Mistress.
DJ Wang pulled something from his pocket. “Bear-Hug-mon! I choose you!”
“Shlug hug!” moaned Bear-Hug-mon.
“Good idea! Let’s see if this helps. By the power of FUNK, I invoke you to bring to me Frank’s interpreter and the Hulk Smashes!” The Funk Mistress screamed.
“Alaaaaallllbaaaallaa!” Ah, the battle cry of Frank’s #1 interpreter.
“I’m so stupid! I’m a lamester!” Apparently, the Hulk Smashes came to play too.
“It worked! Let’s run!” said DJ Wang as he and DJ Skittles grabbed her arm and ran to Super Fly the Wise Guy’s car.
Suddenly, DJ Wang let go of her arm.
“I’ll be back in a sec you guys. I have a little something I have to take care of before we go.”
“You can go to the bathroom later! Baldo’s after us!” yelped Guy the Manager.
“Not that kind of business! Don’t worry about me. I’ll be at the car in time.”
“If he gets caught, I get his DJ Ring!” said The Funk Mistress, excitedly.
“I’ll be back in a sec you guys. I have a little something I have to take care of before we go.”
“You can go to the bathroom later! Baldo’s after us!” yelped Guy the Manager.
“Not that kind of business! Don’t worry about me. I’ll be at the car in time.”
“If he gets caught, I get his DJ Ring!” said The Funk Mistress, excitedly.
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But DJ Wang was true to his word.
By the time they got to the car, he was running out of the zoo exit.
In the distance were all the tigers. And they were chasing the pathetic zoo security. Even the rare white tiger was in on the action.
“Good job, DJ Wang!” said DJ Hadoken as his comrade climbed into Super Fly’s car. (Wait, this isn’t communist Russia! What’s with this comrade stuff?).
“That was fun! We should do it again some time,” DJ Benvenuto panted.
“Yeah,” said DJ Skittles. “Baka! Look at the traffic.”
“Meta-Guy, use your laser eyes or something to see what happened," commanded DJ Hadoken.
“My laser eyes aren’t for seeing long distances! They’re for burning holes in s**t!”
“Do it, you lamester!”
Meta-Guy leaned out of the passenger window and fired some lasers from his eyes. “Alright, alright. Wow. It looks like some truck driver had gyrated so excessively that he lost control and caused a pileup," he said.
By the time they got to the car, he was running out of the zoo exit.
In the distance were all the tigers. And they were chasing the pathetic zoo security. Even the rare white tiger was in on the action.
“Good job, DJ Wang!” said DJ Hadoken as his comrade climbed into Super Fly’s car. (Wait, this isn’t communist Russia! What’s with this comrade stuff?).
“That was fun! We should do it again some time,” DJ Benvenuto panted.
“Yeah,” said DJ Skittles. “Baka! Look at the traffic.”
“Meta-Guy, use your laser eyes or something to see what happened," commanded DJ Hadoken.
“My laser eyes aren’t for seeing long distances! They’re for burning holes in s**t!”
“Do it, you lamester!”
Meta-Guy leaned out of the passenger window and fired some lasers from his eyes. “Alright, alright. Wow. It looks like some truck driver had gyrated so excessively that he lost control and caused a pileup," he said.
“Man,” DJ Wang grumbled. “It’s really irresponsible of him to be driving a Mack Truck if he has a condition like that. He’s putting people’s lives in danger.”
“Super Fly! Stop turning around and watch where you’re driving! Look out! We’re gonna crash!”
“Whirling Gyrations!"
RIA’s adventures have only just begun...
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