Carnevil
Original Young Adult Fiction
Written by The Funk Mistress
Part One
When we next join our RIA friends, we find ourselves in the midst of fun and games.
Joy is in the air, and let me tell you, joy smells funny. Like day old cheese. Or grits that sat in the sun too long. Odd. Very odd.
Or maybe that’s just the smell of refugees coming over on their rafts.
That’s right boys and girls. RIA has stumbled onto a boardwalk carnival. Or should I say, Carnevil.
“I wanna ride the Ferris wheel!” whined DJ Fuji the Man Scout, like a small child who’s had too much Meat Lover’s Pizza. “I wanna ride!”
“Shut yo mouf!” shouted DJ Wang. “The Ferris wheel is for wussies!”
“Oh yeah?! Then what do you suggest?! The House of Mirrors?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. Yes I do. To the House of Mirrors!” replied DJ Wang.
“Wait a second,” said DJ Skittles. “Doesn’t anyone care what I think?”
The other RIA DJs and the Poss members who had come along for the fun looked
at each other confused.
“Not really,” came The Funk Mistress’s answer.
“I stick my wang in your ear, woman!” DJ Skittles retorted. He grabbed a hotdog from a nearby vendor and proceeded to chase the reigning queen of Funk with the piece of grizzled meat.
The Funk Mistress exclaimed, “Stop in the name of the FUNK, you heathen!” All was silent and DJ Skittles hung his head as he discarded the hotdog.
“Not really,” came The Funk Mistress’s answer.
“I stick my wang in your ear, woman!” DJ Skittles retorted. He grabbed a hotdog from a nearby vendor and proceeded to chase the reigning queen of Funk with the piece of grizzled meat.
The Funk Mistress exclaimed, “Stop in the name of the FUNK, you heathen!” All was silent and DJ Skittles hung his head as he discarded the hotdog.
“Let us venture to the House of Mirrors!” she commanded.
And so the motley crew (DJ Wang, DJ Hadoken, DJ Skittles, DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon, DJ Fuji the Man Scout, The Funk Mistress, The Funk Mistress’s Funk apprentice Pril, Super Fly the Wise Guy, Guy the Manager, and Meta-Guy) proceeded to go to the House of Mirrors.
What perilous adventure awaited our heroes in the strange and frightening catacombs of glass?
What dangerous undertaking would they find within this house of pain?
Who knows?
But let’s hope it involves The Latin Bronco.
“This is dumb. This mirror is all distorted to make me look fat!” exclaimed The Funk Mistress in disgust.
“Uhm. I hate to tell you this, oh great and Funky One, but that’s the mirror that’s actually normal. That’s your real reflection,” DJ Hadoken mumbled.
“Lies I tell you! All lies!” she cried in horror.
Suddenly, she composed herself.
“This must be a trick of the Anti-Funk. Destroy the tool of the devil!” she shouted as she threw a beam of FUNK at the mirror.
The mirror shattered into a million pieces, but then began to ricochet all over the room. As it hit innocent bystanders (much to the joy of the RIA DJs) they suddenly began to dance and grab their crotches, and began to engage in other such funky activities.
However, things soon turned grim as the people were exposed to too much FUNK. Only The Funk Mistress herself and those she blesses with immunity could handle such FUNK.
And so the motley crew (DJ Wang, DJ Hadoken, DJ Skittles, DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon, DJ Fuji the Man Scout, The Funk Mistress, The Funk Mistress’s Funk apprentice Pril, Super Fly the Wise Guy, Guy the Manager, and Meta-Guy) proceeded to go to the House of Mirrors.
What perilous adventure awaited our heroes in the strange and frightening catacombs of glass?
What dangerous undertaking would they find within this house of pain?
Who knows?
But let’s hope it involves The Latin Bronco.
___
“This is dumb. This mirror is all distorted to make me look fat!” exclaimed The Funk Mistress in disgust.
“Uhm. I hate to tell you this, oh great and Funky One, but that’s the mirror that’s actually normal. That’s your real reflection,” DJ Hadoken mumbled.
“Lies I tell you! All lies!” she cried in horror.
Suddenly, she composed herself.
“This must be a trick of the Anti-Funk. Destroy the tool of the devil!” she shouted as she threw a beam of FUNK at the mirror.
The mirror shattered into a million pieces, but then began to ricochet all over the room. As it hit innocent bystanders (much to the joy of the RIA DJs) they suddenly began to dance and grab their crotches, and began to engage in other such funky activities.
However, things soon turned grim as the people were exposed to too much FUNK. Only The Funk Mistress herself and those she blesses with immunity could handle such FUNK.
The poor, poor souls who had been hit began to erupt into convulsions. They
will be missed.
Just as RIA was about to flee the cops, they all got an idea.
“Hey, let’s use our Rings to mess everyone up!” Exclaimed DJ Benvenuto.
“DJ Benny! How could you say something like that?” asked DJ Hadoken in shock.
“The Rings are great and powerful tools used only to preserve justice and warm up pizza when the delivery guy doesn’t arrive in half an hour or less. We will not use them to bring about suffering to those who look to use for funky fresh DDR tricks!”
“But it’ll be funny,” prompted DJ Benvenuto.
“No.”
“People will go into convulsions,”
“No.”
“People will grope innocent bystanders,”
“No.”
“The mirrors will freak out Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation,”
“Okay!”
*RIA does not endorse cursing, but it does endorse the Irish (or at least it better, since their Funk Mistress is Irish!) and since shite is the Irish spelling of its American cursing counterpart, it shall be allowed, or you shall all face my wrath! Or you could dash out a few of the letters.*
“Hey, RIA!”
“Hey, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation! How’s it going?” shouted the RIA boys in unison.
“Good. What evil force needs destroyed today?”
“Nothing. We just wanted to let you out. We’re at the carnival. Look for yourself,” said DJ Wang.
Unfortunately for our heroes, poor Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation wasn’t aware of the fact that he was in the House of Mirrors. He took one look at himself in a mirror and lost all control.
“Ahh! My nose! I just had it redone! What’s going on! I must destroy this spawn of Satan! Crotch Laser go!”
“Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation nooooooooooo!”
But alas, it was too late. As the House of Mirrors burned to the ground, RIA fled the scene, hoping no one would notice.
All left inside perished.
But what could RIA say?
Oops -- Their bad.
Just as RIA was about to flee the cops, they all got an idea.
“Hey, let’s use our Rings to mess everyone up!” Exclaimed DJ Benvenuto.
“DJ Benny! How could you say something like that?” asked DJ Hadoken in shock.
“The Rings are great and powerful tools used only to preserve justice and warm up pizza when the delivery guy doesn’t arrive in half an hour or less. We will not use them to bring about suffering to those who look to use for funky fresh DDR tricks!”
“But it’ll be funny,” prompted DJ Benvenuto.
“No.”
“People will go into convulsions,”
“No.”
“People will grope innocent bystanders,”
“No.”
“The mirrors will freak out Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation,”
“Okay!”
“Economic Hardship!”
“The Student Body!”
“Filthy Lifestyle!”
“Oral Communication!”
“Whirling Gyrations!”
“When your powers combine, I am Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation!”
Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation,
He’s a weirdo,
He’s a weirdo,
He’s in the Hall of Mirrors,
This should be good.
This should be good.
When our friends RIA go to town,
You know some weird shite* is gonna go down!
*RIA does not endorse cursing, but it does endorse the Irish (or at least it better, since their Funk Mistress is Irish!) and since shite is the Irish spelling of its American cursing counterpart, it shall be allowed, or you shall all face my wrath! Or you could dash out a few of the letters.*
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“Hey, Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation! How’s it going?” shouted the RIA boys in unison.
“Good. What evil force needs destroyed today?”
“Nothing. We just wanted to let you out. We’re at the carnival. Look for yourself,” said DJ Wang.
Unfortunately for our heroes, poor Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation wasn’t aware of the fact that he was in the House of Mirrors. He took one look at himself in a mirror and lost all control.
“Ahh! My nose! I just had it redone! What’s going on! I must destroy this spawn of Satan! Crotch Laser go!”
“Pop Artist with a Questionable Reputation nooooooooooo!”
But alas, it was too late. As the House of Mirrors burned to the ground, RIA fled the scene, hoping no one would notice.
All left inside perished.
But what could RIA say?
Oops -- Their bad.
Tune in next week for part two of RIA’s amazing adventure, Carnevil.
Note
The author will not be held responsible for the fact that she is a lazy
bum who can’t follow a damn deadline.
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