DJ Wang has this to say:
Back again, this weekend was pretty good.
Went out to see Spy Game, a movie about none other
than spies. But not the 007, Ethan Hunt kind. More like the
lame kind of spies that don’t carry guns or shoot things. I miss
those kinds of spies.
The movie starts off in a prison in China, where Mr. Brad Pitt, one of those loser “I don’t shoot things” kind of spies, has snuck into the prison in the disguise of a doctor. An American doctor that doesn’t speak any Chinese. (Yeah, good work on your spy research there, Brad...)
Well, back to the “plot”. Brad covertly knocks out the power of the prison by ramming, and I’m not kidding here... a fork into the damn fuse box in front of like 20 guards, who have yet to pick up on this.
The movie starts off in a prison in China, where Mr. Brad Pitt, one of those loser “I don’t shoot things” kind of spies, has snuck into the prison in the disguise of a doctor. An American doctor that doesn’t speak any Chinese. (Yeah, good work on your spy research there, Brad...)
Well, back to the “plot”. Brad covertly knocks out the power of the prison by ramming, and I’m not kidding here... a fork into the damn fuse box in front of like 20 guards, who have yet to pick up on this.
They must be under the impression that all Americans electrocute themselves
prior to doing medical practice. So he “dies” (which should have been the
highlight of the movie, but he didn’t really die) and they throw him into
the kitchen for safekeeping of the corpse. You know, it’s all about
the recycling. Death brings life in the form of
sandwiches.
Anyway, he rises from his all too short death. He descends into the dungeon of the prison and whips out his 9 mm standard issue Boy Scout Knife (because he doesn’t shoot things).
Anyway, he rises from his all too short death. He descends into the dungeon of the prison and whips out his 9 mm standard issue Boy Scout Knife (because he doesn’t shoot things).
He starts searching for something, more than likely the reason for why he
took this role.
He comes across this scared prisoner that has flipped out and starts
screaming, so Brad silences him the only way a CIA agent knows how to. He
gives him a stick of cinnamon gum, which probably was burnt and
tasted like cinder due to his recent electrocution, but the prisoner guy
takes it anyway. Anything to get the taste of prison out of your mouth I
guess.
So the pretty boy spy finds what he is looking for (it was some broad) and gets out of the prison. Because smuggling two WHITE, AMERICANS, with ROUND EYES is very easy to do when sneaking out of a FRICKEN CHINESE PRISON!
As Brad is attempting to leave the compound with his broad in his van (that has American tags), the prison cook realizes that since the dead doctor is gone, there is no dinner for cellblock B. So he attempts to raise the “call for takeout” alarm, but he hits this other alarm instead, and all the guards look at their cameras and see the supposed-to-be-dead American dinner driving away.
So the pretty boy spy finds what he is looking for (it was some broad) and gets out of the prison. Because smuggling two WHITE, AMERICANS, with ROUND EYES is very easy to do when sneaking out of a FRICKEN CHINESE PRISON!
As Brad is attempting to leave the compound with his broad in his van (that has American tags), the prison cook realizes that since the dead doctor is gone, there is no dinner for cellblock B. So he attempts to raise the “call for takeout” alarm, but he hits this other alarm instead, and all the guards look at their cameras and see the supposed-to-be-dead American dinner driving away.
So they stop Brad and hold him up with like 70 armed guards with AK-47s. And
then Brad does what any CIA operative does when he is out-gunned with a
hostage. He shoots his way out and escapes... no wait, that’s a GOOD MOVIE
SPY! He gives up... simple as that. Reaches for the sky and drops his
knife, which lands squarely in his foot.
He is hauled in for questioning in the dungeon of the prison. And they start interrogating him in Chinese and expect him to answer, since he is a spy and spies are supposed to know this stuff. But he just shakes his head and cries a little bit.
He is hauled in for questioning in the dungeon of the prison. And they start interrogating him in Chinese and expect him to answer, since he is a spy and spies are supposed to know this stuff. But he just shakes his head and cries a little bit.
So they detain him on charges of being a lamester spy and for
Planet of the Apes (Brad Pitt bares a striking resemblance to
Mark Wahlberg in this movie). That is why they relentlessly beat him
for about 18 hours straight. Which I think is rather fitting for
Planet of the Apes.
LAME DIRTY TIM BURTON!
RUINING CHARLTON HESTON!
Peaceful monkey with a gun... perhaps in Quebec or something, but down here,
all monkeys are violent and well-armed, thanks to the makers of MS Paint.
STAY TUNED FOR PART II of Spy Game Review!
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