Kewl Kat’s Journey to Middle-Earth
Lord of the Rings Fan-Fiction
Written by Kewl Kat (A.K.A. Southern Cowboy)
Kewl Kat Journal
Friday
25 of January 2002 A.D.
25 of January 2002 A.D.
I just received an invitation from Gandolf to go to Middle Earth.
I didn’t want to leave RIA and its fight to get the shoes off the tree, but my duty as faithful RIA Poss member carried me to Middle Earth.
Middle Earth was place destroyed by war just like Afghanistan was destroyed by civil war, but Middle Earth has recovered thanks to the power of the ring.
So I go forth on my journey to Middle Earth.
I got my ticket to ride the subway to Middle Earth. I arrived late Friday afternoon.
And this where my journal begins.
Late Afternoon Friday
25 of January 2002 A.D.
25 of January 2002 A.D.
When I arrived to Frodo’s hood, which is call Shanty Hills, I was receive by Gandolf. He thanks me for coming and he gave me a ride in his 2001 New Horse Carriage which is the latest model in Middle Earth.
I arrived with Gandolf to the little shorty dude Bilbo’s house. We scream for him until he appeared.
Bilbo began talking about the coming to the end to the peace in Middle Earth but I didn’t pay attention to him cuz I thought he was high on some type of drugs. I might be wrong he might just dumb like that but I don’t know.
This Bilbo dude looks like an Irish leprechaun. Bilbo served Gandolf and me some weird tea he made of herbs, and gave me to smoke pipe.
I was high for while but hey I don’t know what this Middle Earth people put inside the tea, and what I was smoking in the pipe.
Gandolf told me to go explore around town, and to be at the festival that was happening that night.
Night of Friday
25 of January 2001 A.D.
25 of January 2001 A.D.
Gandolf was having his firework party with a few invited bands. They were: Tim McGraw, Alan Jackson, Hank Williams Jr., and Alabama.
People were drunken cuz of the damn Irish beer.
Frodo was helping Gandolf to setup his fireworks. As Gandolf exploded one of his fireworks, Pippis stole some of Gandolf fireworks and exploded himself.
That got my homeboy very pissed and he turned Pippis into a frog.
I personally got drunk with all the Irish beer that was around. It look like St. Patty’s day in Middle Earth.
The person that was missing during all this Irish pride celebration in Middle Earth was RIA’s very own Funk Mistress.
Bilbo was reading children stories until the fool disappeared into his crib.
That was end of that day.
Gandolf and me went to this fool Bilbo’s crib.
He told us he was leaving to some weird elf land place or some weird thing like that. And he gave me a ring.
He told me to protect against the Legions of Sauron and Osama Bin Laden.
I told him not worry cuz I had Gandolf cane with me, there is no trouble there.
The weird white magician Sauranan tried to imprison my homeboy Gandolf. But since my homeboy is so powerful he freed himself out of the cell.
The Sauranan poisoned himself with Cuban cigar given to him as gift.
So now the dude is dead.
So me, Sam, Frodo, Legolas, and some weird dwarf dude look like he was smoking crack all the time, we headed to Legolas Land, where Bilbo and Gandolf are.
We had few encounters with Sauron and Bin Laden legions but we managed to destroy them.
Crackhead dude told us to go through his hometown where all the dwarfs live so we headed there.
Dwarf were not dead like in the movie. They were just hiding cuz they don’t want us to see the dwarfs town strip clubs.
But yo I got my way. They show me some of their strip clubs.
I got hooked up with this fine looking dwarf lady. I showed her my Two Towers and gave her dollar.
I think she was hooker from our high school that came to Middle Earth looking for a job.
After my joyful experience in Dwarf Land we were near Legolas Land.
We are hopeful we arrive on Sunday afternoon to Legolas Land.
We are very high on a snowing mountain.
The oxygen is low and crack is low for weird dwarf dude.
Earlier this morning we just had defeated the legions of Sauron and Osama Bin Laden.
Legolas told me that his people land was not that far away. We should be there around lunch.
I think the crackhead dwarf dude will be welcome in Miami.
I should convince him to return with me to Miami. We won’t have crackheads no more cuz he will take all of the crack back to Middle Earth.
We arrived to Legolas Land, the elf land.
That got my homeboy very pissed and he turned Pippis into a frog.
I personally got drunk with all the Irish beer that was around. It look like St. Patty’s day in Middle Earth.
The person that was missing during all this Irish pride celebration in Middle Earth was RIA’s very own Funk Mistress.
Bilbo was reading children stories until the fool disappeared into his crib.
That was end of that day.
Early Morning of Saturday
26 of January 2002 A.D.
26 of January 2002 A.D.
Gandolf and me went to this fool Bilbo’s crib.
He told us he was leaving to some weird elf land place or some weird thing like that. And he gave me a ring.
He told me to protect against the Legions of Sauron and Osama Bin Laden.
I told him not worry cuz I had Gandolf cane with me, there is no trouble there.
The weird white magician Sauranan tried to imprison my homeboy Gandolf. But since my homeboy is so powerful he freed himself out of the cell.
The Sauranan poisoned himself with Cuban cigar given to him as gift.
So now the dude is dead.
Afternoon of Saturday
26 of January 2002 A.D.
26 of January 2002 A.D.
So me, Sam, Frodo, Legolas, and some weird dwarf dude look like he was smoking crack all the time, we headed to Legolas Land, where Bilbo and Gandolf are.
We had few encounters with Sauron and Bin Laden legions but we managed to destroy them.
Crackhead dude told us to go through his hometown where all the dwarfs live so we headed there.
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Night of Saturday
26 of January 2002 A.D.
26 of January 2002 A.D.
Dwarf were not dead like in the movie. They were just hiding cuz they don’t want us to see the dwarfs town strip clubs.
But yo I got my way. They show me some of their strip clubs.
I got hooked up with this fine looking dwarf lady. I showed her my Two Towers and gave her dollar.
I think she was hooker from our high school that came to Middle Earth looking for a job.
After my joyful experience in Dwarf Land we were near Legolas Land.
We are hopeful we arrive on Sunday afternoon to Legolas Land.
Early Sunday Morning
27 of January 2002 A.D.
27 of January 2002 A.D.
We are very high on a snowing mountain.
The oxygen is low and crack is low for weird dwarf dude.
Earlier this morning we just had defeated the legions of Sauron and Osama Bin Laden.
Legolas told me that his people land was not that far away. We should be there around lunch.
I think the crackhead dwarf dude will be welcome in Miami.
I should convince him to return with me to Miami. We won’t have crackheads no more cuz he will take all of the crack back to Middle Earth.
Lunch Sunday
27 of January 2002 A.D.
27 of January 2002 A.D.
We arrived to Legolas Land, the elf land.
This place it so beautiful that it looks like Havana, Cuba without communism.
I saw my old homeboy Gandolf smoking his pipe, and I saw Bilbo. He has just finish writing a book that was call: How to Achieve World Hunger.
Well, I was shown around the elf land by some little elf dude.
I will describe now wat I saw.
The little elf dude showed me the different clubs.
The first club he showed me was country / western club called Ice Bank Mice Elf.
I thought it was weird name for club.
The next club he showed me was called No Need 4 Name. It only played RIA music. The RIA DJs were there signing autographs to their fans. But there was DJ missing. He probably was doing dirty deeds with chickens and being debaucherous with his cat.
The next club he showed was ghetto a$$ club called PTP (Prime Time Player). They only played ghetto music.
The little elf dude told me there was elf / mice Olympics going. It was all jocks / prep from the elf and mice land battling each other out to see who gets the worse record.
I saw big sign in the elf land that said Lynyrd Skynyrd with special guest RIA. Didn’t have enough money. So one of the RIA DJs snuck me in.
It was an awesome concert.
I'm heading out alone to Mountain Doom to see the lamesters who live there.
They told me all bad people from Earth are there. It should be cool thing to see.
I was on my way to Mountain Doom when I pass by two giants statues.
In close inspection I saw little sign that said Garth Brooks was here 1999.
I was like wow!
I arrived to Mountain Doom. I get near crate of Mountain Doom when I see P.B. dancing with Sauron Legions.
One of the legionnaire said take P.B. back with you, he ain’t our type. I said no way!
I saw Fidel Castro there smoking cigar and chilling. He was happy he wasn’t in Cuba no mo’.
I saw Osama Bin Laden in Mountain Doom. The poor Bin Laden was missing an eye, the nose, and his hat was ripped apart by an American missile.
I took the subway back to Riaopian Land.
I should be back in the afternoon.
I’m back at Riaopian Land.
The DJs were happy to see me return and that I survived.
I gave them the message from Gandolf and the ring.
I should return back to Middle Earth when the next movie comes out.
- Kewl Kat
I saw my old homeboy Gandolf smoking his pipe, and I saw Bilbo. He has just finish writing a book that was call: How to Achieve World Hunger.
Well, I was shown around the elf land by some little elf dude.
I will describe now wat I saw.
Afternoon Sunday
27 of January 2002 A.D.
27 of January 2002 A.D.
The little elf dude showed me the different clubs.
The first club he showed me was country / western club called Ice Bank Mice Elf.
I thought it was weird name for club.
The next club he showed me was called No Need 4 Name. It only played RIA music. The RIA DJs were there signing autographs to their fans. But there was DJ missing. He probably was doing dirty deeds with chickens and being debaucherous with his cat.
The next club he showed was ghetto a$$ club called PTP (Prime Time Player). They only played ghetto music.
The little elf dude told me there was elf / mice Olympics going. It was all jocks / prep from the elf and mice land battling each other out to see who gets the worse record.
I saw big sign in the elf land that said Lynyrd Skynyrd with special guest RIA. Didn’t have enough money. So one of the RIA DJs snuck me in.
It was an awesome concert.
Night Sunday
27 of January 2002 A.D.
27 of January 2002 A.D.
I'm heading out alone to Mountain Doom to see the lamesters who live there.
They told me all bad people from Earth are there. It should be cool thing to see.
I was on my way to Mountain Doom when I pass by two giants statues.
In close inspection I saw little sign that said Garth Brooks was here 1999.
I was like wow!
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Early Morning Monday
28 of January 2002 A.D.
28 of January 2002 A.D.
I arrived to Mountain Doom. I get near crate of Mountain Doom when I see P.B. dancing with Sauron Legions.
One of the legionnaire said take P.B. back with you, he ain’t our type. I said no way!
I saw Fidel Castro there smoking cigar and chilling. He was happy he wasn’t in Cuba no mo’.
I saw Osama Bin Laden in Mountain Doom. The poor Bin Laden was missing an eye, the nose, and his hat was ripped apart by an American missile.
I took the subway back to Riaopian Land.
I should be back in the afternoon.
Afternoon Monday
28 of January 2002 A.D.
28 of January 2002 A.D.
I’m back at Riaopian Land.
The DJs were happy to see me return and that I survived.
I gave them the message from Gandolf and the ring.
I should return back to Middle Earth when the next movie comes out.
- Kewl Kat
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