Sayonara Samurai
Original Young Adult Fiction
Written by The Funk Mistress
Part Three
“Gotta go Berzerk... Gotta go Berzerk... Gotta go Berzerk...”
DJ Hadoken was sitting in a corner of the plane chanting those words to himself over and over again.
Unfortunately, it's hard to go Berzerk when you’re three inches from peeing yourself and half of the people around you are unconscious from fear.
“We’re all gonna die!!!!” someone screamed from the first class section of the plane.
This wasn’t the first time someone had shouted that, but everyone still panicked whenever it happened.
It was just too bad that DJ Hadoken was starting to believe it.
___
“So what are we going to do?” asked The Funk Mistress. “We have to save him.”
“No we don’t,” said DJ Fuji the Man Scout. “Hadoken knows that we can’t possible stop a bunch of giant deceptively demotic robots from killing him and the rest of the passengers.”
“He’s going to die?!” The Funk Mistress and DinoGirl shouted at the same time.
“Well, yeah. I mean, the robots aren't going to just put the plane down nicely and let its occupants go. In all likelihood, Hadoken will not only die, he’ll be crushed inside the plane, then ripped to shreds by the robots, and hell, maybe he’ll get shoved into an engine before it's all over.”
“That is it!” The Funk Mistress shouted. “I will not stand for this. Hulk Smash, come here.”
“Wha?” Hulk Smash was confused.
With a flurry of her hand and a little Funk, a butterfly appeared out of nowhere. “Look, Hulk Smash! A butterfly!”
“Pretty!!!” Hulk Smash thrust his hand forward to catch the butterfly while unwittingly ripping a hole in the space-time continuum at the same time. Hmm... is this a reference to another story? Damn straight.
Before anyone could stop her, The Funk Mistress put a fishbowl on her head and jumped through the rip.
“...I certainly hope she realizes that if we won’t save Hadoken we aren’t jumping in there after her,” DJ Skittles grumbled.
___
The Funk Mistress floated in the realm of space and time.
Her brother Maguire (Master of the Space-Time Continuum), always hated it when she broke into his realm like that, but it was an emergency, and she’d fix the rip anyway, so he could just shut his cry hole.
Her eyes scanned the misty distance that sprawled before her. Finally, she saw the device she was looking for.
She closed her eyes and used her Funk Teleport power to hurl herself towards the device. It was a ship used to navigate the world of space and time. Inside sat H.G. Wells.
“Hey H.G., you still have that stuff I left with you?” she asked.
“Yeah, it's all in a box in the back seat. You need it?”
“Yeah. Can you give it to me?”
“Sure,” replied H.G. Wells. He put the box in a special tray that allowed him to hand her the box without interacting with the atmosphere around the ship.
“Thanks H.G., I owe you one.”
“No problem, Funk Mistress. But next time, bring some cheeseburgers or booze or both.”
The Funk Mistress closed her eyes and transported herself back to the rip. She climbed through the hole and used her powers to close it.
Unfortunately, you could see the stitches where she had sewn it up.
“Oh well, Maguire can fix it if he doesn’t like it,” she thought.
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“A box?” asked DJ Skittles.
“No - inside the box. Capes.”
“Capes?” asked DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon.
“Yeah, so we can fly.”
“Fly?” asked Super Fly the Wise Guy.
“Yeah. Really fast.”
“Fast?” asked The General.
“Yup. To Japan.”
“Japan?” asked DJ Wang.
“Is there an echo?” asked DinoGirl. “Shut up and take the capes so we can save Hadoken!”
One by one, The Funk Mistress gave out the capes to the four DJs, Super Fly, The General, Guy the Manager, DinoGirl, The Woodsman, and herself.
Of course, she made sure DJ Wang got the pink cape, because Canada is pink on the map.
“How do these work?” asked DJ Skittles.
“Think of the universal happy thought.”
“Universal happy thought?” asked DJ Benvenuto.
“Don’t start that again. The universal happy thought is ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger’.”
Everyone took to the air, flying, doing loops, and a few crashing.
Suddenly DJ Fuji asked, “How do we STOP flying?”
“Just think of the universal unhappy thing.”
“What’s that?” asked Guy the Manager.
The Funk Mistress hesitated and said, “Danceable R&B-influenced Pop Boy Bands.”
Silence followed for a moment, until the sound of nine kids with capes hitting the ground filled the air.
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