DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon II (With the Funny Hat) has this to say:
Update time.
Today I bring you all a review of the wonderful movie Herbie: Fully Loaded.
So, strap yourself in or prepare for whiplash.
Last summer’s record breaking Disney movie Herbie: Fully Loaded is actually a remake of the old Herbie movies that came out in the late 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s.
This movie is the next generation in the long series of Herbie movies and, let me tell you, it does not disappoint. You know you’re in for the ride of your life from the very first shot.
It starts with a very tight shot. It is actually so close up you’re not sure what you’re looking at.
However, the shot starts to slowly zoom out while the popular Drowning Pool song, Let the Bodies Hit the Floor is playing.
After about 20 seconds, you realize that it is actually a shot of Lindsay Lohan’s cleavage. The shot cuts right as she turns around and then the opening credits start to appear.
As the movie progresses, we get to know Maggie Payton (Lohan’s character) and we find out what a deep character she really is. She is hiding a heroin addiction from her father and she just had an abortion which she is still trying to cope with.
The scene where she collapses after a drug binge and can only think about the baby she could have had was simply genius. We see a range in Lohan’s acting ability that we’ve never been privileged enough to see. The raw emotion that she exudes from every inch of her body truly convinces you that she isn’t just another teen celebrity but in reality a troubled teenager trying to deal with the problems that have arisen in her life.
The following morning, her father finds her almost dead on the front porch of their house and rushes her to the hospital.
I’d also like to add that her father is played by Michael Keaton. That’s right, the original Batman (not including Adam West, of course). This movie will make people remember why we loved him so much in such hits as Batman, Batman Returns and Multiplicity. The scene where he sees the Bat Signal and has to leave very suddenly was brilliant and one of the great moments in movie history.
However, I must return to the point at hand.
Michael Keaton finds Lohan on the porch and rushes her to the hospital. She finally wakes up a day later and is not sure what happened. She tries to leave the hospital but the doctors see her and knock her unconscious with a very hard hit to the head. Part of her skull cracks open and we see a little bit of brain.
As they are rushing her to the ER. people start to rush out of the morgues.
However, they aren’t ordinary people, they’re zombie people. The smell of Lohan’s brain was so powerful that it awoke them from their slumber. The whole hospital falls at the hands of the zombies. They even get to the nursery and feast on the helpless babies.
Lindsay Lohan wakes up and sees that people are horribly frightened and have no idea what is going on. Luckily, Michael Keaton arrives with Herbie the shotgun ...and guess what? He’s fully loaded.
Keaton gives Herbie to Lohan and explains what happened.
Lohan then proceeds to clean house.
Who knew that Lohan was such a great action star?
The one liners were the best I’ve heard in years.
Such classic one liners as...
“I’m afraid your condition is terminal.”
and...
“Diagnosis? Dead. Treatment? Bullets.”
...left me laughing without control.
Soon afterwards, Lohan clears out the hospital and Keaton explains to her that Herbie is actually a magical Volkswagen that can turn into an even more magical shotgun.
She realizes that she now has a great responsibility and then shoots Keaton in the head. Just in case he had been bitten by a zombie.
Now, I don’t want to completely spoil the movie but after the great hospital scene, she drives away in the Volkswagen and actually ends up at a race track.
She winds up becoming a race car driver and she always makes sure to keep Herbie fully loaded just in case she loses a race.
Later on, there’s a race on one of the moons of Jupiter and even a cameo by Eddie Murphy reprising his role as Pluto Nash.
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This is the movie that will make Lohan a 550 million dollar per movie actress.
At the end, you realize that friendship conquers all and it helps if your friend turns into a shotgun. It helps a lot.
Hopefully, you all enjoyed my review and hopefully you realize that I have yet to watch the movie but I think the commercials make it pretty clear that I’m not lying.
If you’ve seen the movie and you think I’m lying, then something is wrong with you because I’m sooo right.
Before I go, I’d just like to mention two more things.
Good job on the update, DJ Hadoken.
Even though you’ve been keeping me updated on the revelations you’ve been receiving from the Ancients and Sorpaculips, I was still riveted by what you posted.
Someone must reveal the truth and I’m glad it’s you.
Finally, I just want to say that it’s pretty sad that Captain Jack will never be back. However, he died partying and that’s probably the way he wanted to go.
Hey ho Captain Jack.
He’s probably partying with Rick James as we speak.
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