Our Hidden History
Original Young Adult Science Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis has this to say:
Intaktu malpranakma, everyone.
In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, I’ve been pretty busy in the ancient libraries that I have been fortunate enough to have been guided to by the Ancients, who believe that now is the time to begin elaborating on just what RIAopiaism is.
Deep Impact
Before I elaborate further, I must share the following vital information.
Sorpaculips, ruler of Sorpaculopolis (who I’ve mentioned before) and his son, Manchutrogular, have been released from the comet Tempel 1. This happened when that Deep Impact probe hit it just a few months ago.
Along with them were released the Princes of Light and Dark, Harobus and Duartus.
Sorpaculips also has another son who’s name is Mandangar. He was not frozen in the comet, however.
The Ancients believe that now is the time to reveal the true meaning of RIAopiaism, in order to avoid a repetition of the past- a repetition of terrible events that culminated in these cosmic beings being frozen and entrapped within Tempel 1 by the Ancients themselves.
The First Phase Begins
The first phase of my studies covers the origins of RIAopiaism. What events actually occurred before it came into existence, and what major figures have played a role in forming our beliefs.
No, I am not talking about just before the Bench Wars and Baldo. I’m talking about way back.
Way back at the beginning of time itself.
The Ancient Greece Connection
The Ancients have also been revealing more recent events to me, too. Events that have occurred merely thousands of years ago.
At the moment, these have centered around Ancient Greece. There is still so much for me to see that I am not sure where it will all lead.
All I know is that there is a solid connection between Ancient Greece and RIAopiaism today.
The Future, Too
I have also seen visions of the future. Which I believe may be one of the reasons the Ancients have chosen to reveal these things to me now.
In the distant future, I see a dark prophecy of Sorpaculips coming down to Earth, trying to take it. Much as his son, Manchutrogular and he did to an ancient planet long ago.
If they succeed, they may impregnate every living and non-living being on our planet.
And if they succeed at that, the Ancients may have to resort to the same conclusion that they did with that particular ancient planet: which was to drop H-Bombs on the planet until everyone was destroyed.
Since RIA are the Chosen Ones selected by the Ancients themselves, the Ancients do not want this to happen again.
Krismalaclese
Here is some more information about what I have found within the ancient libraries.
In Ancient Greece, around the same time as Plato and Aristotle, there lived a philosopher named Krismalaclese, who was apparently shunned by nearly all of his countrymen for his beliefs, which they considered absurd and beyond radical.
Krismalaclese and Aristotle were friends for a time, but Aristotle refused to acknowledge Krismalaclese’s beliefs because of their apparent absurdity.
Krismalaclese apparently received a message from Sorpaculips. I also find this intriguing, because as far as I know, Sorpaculips, Manchutrogular, Harobus (Prince of Light), and Duartus (Prince of Dark) were still frozen in the comet Tempel 1 at this point in time.
In the message, he received many cosmic teachings which he compiled into the ancient text known as “The Book of Sorpaculips”.
Krismalaclese, being a philosopher, then went on to write his own book, “The Book of Sorpaculips According to Krismalaclese” where he interpreted the teachings of “The Book of Sorpaculips” in his own manner.
There is still much for me to learn of this, but I can say that Krismalaclese was fond of the Ancient Greek democratic government, and contemplated applying the teachings of the “Book of Sorpaculips” to the democratic form of government.
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The Coomraba
“The Book of Sorpaculips” speaks of a “Coomraba” which refers to a democratic form of government on Sorpaculips, or, Sorpapocratic government.
The Coomraba was a very secretive type of government which would change its stances on various issues almost without reason, or logic, and unexpectedly. Any sort of decision would be made in this fashion.
However, in “The Book of Sorpaculips According to Krismalaclese”, Krismalaclese shows that he believed that the Coomraba was actually a state of mind within the citizenry, and that the actual ruling government body would be called the Yartitovo. A name derived from the square-root of the fraction of pie, sigma, theta, sin and cos.
From what I’ve gathered, it seems like the Coomraba was a sort of “groupthink” where many people would change their mind or make sudden decisions without real reason to. A sense for the Coomraba could also be demonstrated on the individual level.
For example, if a person wants some candy at a movie, but then suddenly decides that they MUST HAVE a huge vanilla covered orange-sherbert slurpee instead, then they’ve demonstrated the influence that the Coomraba has over them.
More stories in
“The Book of Sorpaculips According to Krismalaclese”
Apparently, Krismalaclese was a prolific writer.
Within “The Book of Sorpaculips According to Krismalaclese” alone, Krismalaclese wrote many stories containing his teachings.
However, so far I have not been able to determine if any of his other books are still in existence because it seems like much was burned and destroyed when Ancient Greece was invaded.
In “The Book of Sorpaculips According to Krismalaclese”, I found a story that Krismalaclese wrote in which he retold the events of the final trials of Aristotle and Sophoclese before the people of Athens.
He retells these events in a hypothetical manner. He theorizes about how each philosopher would have been judged under a government adhering to the Yartitovan system.
It seems interesting because at some points Krismalaclese inserts himself into these trials and debates with both the accused and the jury.
I have also found records of other stories concerning encounters between Aristotle and Krismalaclese.
The exact details are still very vague, however.
I also know that Krismalaclese, somehow, as I’ve mentioned before, managed to contact Comedian with A Recognizable Personality and Musician with A Dangerous Addiction when they were producing their Poorly Sounding Pop Song about their significant other and how they enjoy attending social gatherings very, very often.
The People of Sorpaculopolis
Aside from the stuff about Ancient Greece, there are other things that have been revealed to me.
I have found a description of what the people of Sorpaculopolis were like, revealed to me through the following excerpt from “The Book of Sorpaculips”:
Excerpt from “The Book of Sorpaculips”:
They would feast daily on salt water fish, and also on cat-water fish, a type of fish that thrived in a liquid much like water, but consisted primarily of nickel ions, calcium sulfate, irradiated cobalt and hydrogen atoms, and another chemical, known as Sorpapiprum, which does not exist in our galaxy or on Earth.
Cat-water was delectable. These people lived on the planet Sorpaculopolis.
The Sad Fate of Sorpaculopolis
It has also been revealed to me the sad fate of Sorpaculopolis after its ruler, Sorpaculips, and his son Manchutrogular were frozen in the comet Tempel 1 by the Ancients.
It seems that Mandangar, having escaped being frozen in the comet, felt that he could never rule Sorpaculopolis the way his father had, so he disappeared in self-exile, for eons.
(On a side note, DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon and I are actually working on
a song dedicated to this event.)
It was soon after that the pinnacle of evil on Sorpaculopolis violently took control.
A horrible ruler, who’s name I even dread typing.
But must, so that you will all know that his name was
Pipaopao.
After he came to power, all of the beauty of Sorpaculopolis fell to ruin.
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Daily Revelations
Like the one I received today..
I have learned that the people Sorpaculopolis believed in sprite-like creatures, similar to those of our own world. The people of Sorpaculopolis used their names as charms.
So far, I know of the existence of Kikuukuu, a sprite that governed over luck and had a power over ailing machines.
So, if you needed a good luck charm, and believed in the teachings found in “The Book of Sorpaculips”, you’d simply pick up any little object and name it Kikuukuu, and it’d become a good luck charm.
Furthermore, for example, if you had an iPod that was about to die out, naming it Kikuukuu would pretty much freeze it in its state, allowing you to continue using it indefinitely- it would not become repaired by itself, but naming it Kikuukuu would keep it from completely dying.
The language of Sorpaculopolis
More of the language of Sorpaculopolis is also being slowly revealed to me.
But I am getting tired now and so without going into much more detail, I will share that counting from one to three would be as follows:
CHUTROGULAR - “ONE”
DANGAR - “TWO”
OPIKILAOKILAOKAU - “THREE”
I am tired.
So this is where I will stop for tonight.
Top Comments
The Funk Mistress comments with this:
“If they succeed, they may impregnate every living and non-living being
on our planet.”
It got me thinking: what if I get pregnant with the child of Sorpaculips?
With the right training, couldn’t the child grow to kill its father?
That’s what happens in most epics.
DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis responds with this:
No, Funk Mistress, if they succeed EVERYONE will be pregnant.
DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis responds with this:
No, Funk Mistress, if they succeed EVERYONE will be pregnant.
I will be pregnant. DJ Benvenuto will be pregnant. Everything will be
pregnant. Your computer will be pregnant. Your van will be pregnant.
Sorpaculips already has two sons, Manchutrogular and Mandangar, and neither of them want to kill their father.
We wouldn’t even have time to give birth to any children because the Ancients will have already dropped H-Bombs on us.
The Funk Mistress responds back:
That’s why I think I should get to them and get pregnant NOW before they reach Earth.
Sorpaculips already has two sons, Manchutrogular and Mandangar, and neither of them want to kill their father.
We wouldn’t even have time to give birth to any children because the Ancients will have already dropped H-Bombs on us.
The Funk Mistress responds back:
That’s why I think I should get to them and get pregnant NOW before they reach Earth.
Then I will train the baby to kill its father and because I’m one of
RIA, the Chosen Ones, the Ancients will bless it in battle. And we will
be rid of Sorpaculips forever. Yay.
(Dude, read the Völsunga saga. It’s crawling with this kind of sh*t.)
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon II (With the Funny Hat) comments with this:
You think you know, but you have no idea. You’d be a jiwoman before you got out of your chair if you were to try that.
DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis continues with this:
Funk Mistress, do you know the story of Lazacakakalona?
Remember that other ancient planet that I mentioned? The one that the Ancients had to drop H-Bombs on?
(Dude, read the Völsunga saga. It’s crawling with this kind of sh*t.)
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon II (With the Funny Hat) comments with this:
You think you know, but you have no idea. You’d be a jiwoman before you got out of your chair if you were to try that.
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Funk Mistress, do you know the story of Lazacakakalona?
Remember that other ancient planet that I mentioned? The one that the Ancients had to drop H-Bombs on?
When Sorpaculips and Manchutrogular descended upon their planet, the
people sent their most powerful warrior, Lazacakakalona, to defend them.
But he was ripped to shreds by Sorpaculips and Manchutrogular.
It is said that in one moment they watched Lazacakakalona fly into the sky to meet his enemies, and in another moment, his entrails were raining down across the entire planet as Sorpaculips and Manchutrogular impregnated everything.
The willpower of the people, their fears, hopes, dreams, emotions and the strength of the entire planet was inside of Lazacakakalona and even he couldn’t hold back the onslaught.
It is said that in one moment they watched Lazacakakalona fly into the sky to meet his enemies, and in another moment, his entrails were raining down across the entire planet as Sorpaculips and Manchutrogular impregnated everything.
The willpower of the people, their fears, hopes, dreams, emotions and the strength of the entire planet was inside of Lazacakakalona and even he couldn’t hold back the onslaught.
What you are suggesting would be reminiscent of that event, and the
Ancients don’t want that to be repeated.
But in time we will know what we must do.
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon II (With the Funny Hat) comments:
Lazacakakalona didn’t save anyone.
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon II (With the Funny Hat) comments:
Lazacakakalona didn’t save anyone.
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