TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
An Unexpected Party
Chapter 1 (Part 1 of 5)
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Late Monday Morning of July 1st A.D.
After months of careful planning of the invasion of Middle Earth by Kewl Kat, under watchful eyes of the RIA DJs, the date set for the invasion is July 2nd. It will be called R-Day (RIA Day). It will be the biggest amphibious landing since D-Day.
Brigadier General Kewl Kat has under his command biggest portion of the landing forces.
Under the Southern Cowboy command would be 3 divisions of tanks. Also under his command would be the 111st, 114th and 120th Airborne Divisions, and the 233rd and 235th Ranger Divisions.
Another army, commanded by The General, will be already on Mordor before the invasion takes place.
And army commanded by the RIA DJs will be landing by the Gulf of Lune.
Another army, commanded by The Field Marshal, assigned by the Southern Cowboy, would be attacking the mountains at the same time as Kewl Kat's army would be landing.
___
R-Day had passed like the blink of an eye. Before all the casualties could be counted, the RIA armies were forced to continue according to the plans laid out in DJ Hadoken’s Proposal for Peace.
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon’s army had been chosen to land on the coast of the Bay of Balsfalas, near Asfalas in Gombor. DJ Benvenuto had been given the task of leading his army across the Frosty Mountains and seizing Rodan. After succeeding, he would enslave the Men of Rodan, forcing them to fight for RIA, and then proceed to meet DJ Fuji’s army in Ló Liel.
Kewl Kat (who provided the heavy artillery for the battle) assisted DJ Benvenuto. Early in the morning on July 2nd, Kewl Kat’s army was the first to make landfall. Facing little opposition, the tanks and submarines quickly crossed the Frosty Mountains.
DJ Benvenuto landed shortly thereafter. He urged his RIA comrades, “Alright, everybody start moving. Kewl Kat’s army is about half a day ahead of us. So it looks like he will encounter the armies of Rodan first. We’ve got to make sure we’ll get there in time to catch them while they’re still surprised.”
Guy the Manager approached (hands visibly slimy) and said, “DJ Benny, I’ve greased up Meta-Guy. He’s ready to go.”
This news reassured DJ Benvenuto, “Okay, good. After all these years, Guy, I’m glad to see that you’ve somehow managed to stay our manager!”
DJ Benvenuto trudged through the snow, wearing his garbage can armor and holding his garbage lid shield. He was amidst many brave warriors. Some already battle-hardened from the Bench Wars. Others, only battle-hardened a day earlier during the bloody R-Day.
So many faces. DJ Benvenuto could not put a name to all of them. It reminded him of walking through the halls of the local high school, where every day you would see hundreds of new people. It was like that here, except these weren’t ghetto sluts and “eager travelers”. These were the mighty Zealot Warriors of the RIA army.
The only familiar face DJ Benvenuto could spot among these warriors was that of his head commander, Guy the Manager. Even though in the past he may have cracked many jokes about Guy, and he may have fired him and rehired him more times than he could remember, at this moment he was glad to have a friend standing near him. His last comment to Guy was his way of saying, “Thanks for being here with me,” and Guy understood.
Meta-Guy melted the snow along the mountain path with his laser eyes. As he thought of his friends, DJ Benvenuto looked up. The bright morning sky had begun to turn grey and orange with smoke and fire rising high towards the heavens.
It was DJ Fuji the Man Scout. He must have already crossed the Smoky Mountains and the torching of Murkyforest must have already begun. “That was quick,” DJ Benvenuto thought to himself. “No, Hadoken must have planned this well. I’m sure he and DJ Fuji anticipated these results.”
He hoped his mission would be accomplished with much the same ease and that he would be able to meet DJ Fuji’s army in Ló Liel after defeating Rodan (as according to the plan).
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