TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
An Unexpected Party
Chapter 1 (Part 2 of 5)
To the North, DJ Fuji the Man Scout had arrived on Central-dirt through the Northern Swamps, accompanied by The Funk Mistress.
“Damn it, DJ Fuji, why did I have to come with you? This is the ugliest place I’ve ever seen,” The Funk Mistress whined.
DJ Fuji, visibly troubled, shouted, “Funk Mistress! Use your Funk Powers to revive our dead soldiers! Do it!”
The Funk Mistress, undaunted, retorted, “Why don’t you slow the army down so that these people don’t get killed by the Swamp so quickly?! We are already half a day ahead of schedule and everyone is tired. I can only revive so many people at a time!”
DJ Fuji tried his best to reason with her, “No, Funk Mistress, you don’t understand. Our duty is to strike fear in the hearts of our enemies. So that all of Central-dirt will know of the arrival of RIA! Besides, how long do you want to stick around these Swamps?”
The Funk Mistress rolled her eyes, “Okay, you have a point. But I can’t revive all of these people that quickly.”
DJ Fuji turned towards his army as he commanded, “Find a way, Funk Mistress! March! For the glory of RIA! Light your torches! Murkyforest is near!”
“DJ Fuji... I can’t go any furth... UUUGGGH!” A lowly infantry member cried as the swamps swallowed him.
“Funk Mistress!” DJ Fuji beckoned.
The Funk Mistress then summoned her Funk Powers, “By the Funk I revive you!”
“UGGGH.”
The lowly, puny soldier rose up from the swamp, slowly. “Uggh!”
DJ Fuji looked disturbed, “Funk Mistress, what’s wrong with him?”
The Funk Mistress shook her head, just as confused as him, “I don’t know. I thought I revived him. But he looks pretty crappy.”
DJ Fuji’s eyes widened as he realized... “He’s a zombie!”
“What the Funk? I can’t summon zombies.” The Funk Mistress was confused.
“It doesn’t matter. You! Zombie! Keep marching, light your torch!” DJ Fuji commanded the newly risen zombie.
“Ugggh!” The zombie obeyed DJ Fuji’s commands.
As The Funk Mistress proceeded “reviving” the others, she started to have a bad feeling about these zombies...
They were able to traverse the Smoky Mountains unchallenged, as they had been secured in advance by The Field Marshal’s army on R-Day. After exiting the Smoky Mountains near the Wooden River, the dark outskirts of Murkyforest stood before them.
DJ Fuji stepped forward. He dusted off his Ring of Vices and raised his fist, pointing it towards Murkyforest. And then he shouted, “ECONOMIC HARDSHIP!” and the Ring of Vices’ power swept quickly across Murkyforest.
The lowliest creatures wailed in agony as they realized that their entire life’s savings had suddenly vanished from beneath the rocks and piles of leaves where they had hidden them. The elves screamed as the candles of their houses were all blown out because their candle bills were overdue. The miners drowned when all of the resources in the Mountains of Murkyforest turned to mud. The businesses in the Greater Murky Region went bankrupt. The investors at the fortress of Gold & Mouron in South Murkyforest started to jump out of windows when they saw that the stock market had instantly crashed.
DJ Fuji commanded his army once again, “It’s Murkyforest! Hurry up and burn it down! Let everyone know that RIA is here!”
The living and the undead warriors, torches in hand, burst forth and rushed towards Murkyforest. The financially distressed inhabitants of Murkyforest had no chance to escape or fight back. Flames seemed to rain down from the sky as the warriors tossed their burning torches.
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