TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
An Unexpected Party
Chapter 1 (Part 3 of 5)
To the West, another fleet of ships arrived from RIAopia in Beetlegear, the Great Ocean, just South of the Gulf of Lube, near the River Isad near Inedewat in Gombor.
This army was led by DJ Wang and had been assigned the task of poisoning the major water supplies of Central-dirt. The most important target was Ravenballs, as it was imperative that the mighty elves of Ravenballs be dastardly deeded swiftly, since they would pose a great threat to the armies of RIA (if they lived). DJ Wang stood at the front of the ship, staring at the coast.
Wearing a tri-corn hat, Zath came to speak to him. “The poison is ready, DJ Wang.”
“Okay, whatever,” DJ Wang responded. To the North, in the distance, could be seen the foggy shapes of DJ Hadoken’s fleet.
DJ Hadoken was to land near Barbindon in Ebiabor, with the goal of invading the Shanty Hills under the cover of the Foggy Harbor. After completing their first missions, DJ Hadoken and DJ Wang were to meet in Ravenballs to eliminate any opposition remaining there.
Observing the foggy ships, Zath continued, “We’ll be hitting the coast in 15 minutes.”
“Okay,” DJ Wang continued staring intently at the coast. “Zath, take us towards that river first, we’ll start from there.”
“But that’s not the River Isad...” Zath contested, surprised.
DJ Wang reasoned, “Yeah but it’s closer to us. We can put the poison in that one first then move on to the River Isad, that way we don’t have to backtrack.”
The ships turned towards the River Gwapo, a river that fed into other great rivers of Central-dirt.
If the poisoning was successful, inhabitants of Central-dirt, as far as Ló Liel, and even whatever dwarves may be hiding in the Smoky Mountains of Erod Mothran and the Wuthering Heaths, would feel the burning of RIA poison.
DJ Wang raised his arms and clapped in the air, “Alright lamesters! Toss that poison over the side of the ship! We need to get this done quickly so we can get to the River Isad and poison Rodan’s water supply! We don’t want DJ Benvenuto having such a hard time with Rodan.”
Zath approached DJ Wang, and quietly suggested, “DJ Wang, shouldn’t we check the current of the river first? I think DJ Hadoken said we should check the current before dumping the poison, as it might just all get washed out to sea.”
The RIA sailors began to dump the poison into the eerily quiet waters of the River Gwapo. The water was so calm on this morning that they were unable to observe the current with their naked eyes.
DJ Wang reasoned with Zath again, “But if we do that, Zath, then there won’t be enough time to poison the River Isad to help DJ Benvenuto. DJ Hadoken just over-planned all of this anyway. He was being nitpicky and power-hungry, leaving it up to us to devise a way to beat the current. If he says anything, I’ll just b*tch-slap him. You lamesters! Hurry up! Get to work!”
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