TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
An Unexpected Party
Chapter 1 (Part 4 of 5)
Suddenly, a giant explosion from beneath the water erupted into the air, and onto the ship landed Diver Dan. He was wearing an underwater scuba jetpack that he had fashioned from the engine of his Honda Accord, his potato cannon, and a gallon of brake fluid.
DJ Hadoken welcomed his comrade back, “What news of our enemy, Diver Dan?”
Diver Dan was excited, “Hahaha, it’s great, Hadoken, they have no idea we’re coming. I even scared one of them by throwing a rock from beneath the water. They ran away. They thought I was some kind of serpent or something. Those bobbits are such pansies!”
“Good. But they are resilient little bastards. So be careful,” DJ Hadoken advised him.
“Of course commander!” Diver Dan saluted DJ Hadoken.
“Cut that out, heh.” DJ Hadoken didn’t like to distinguish himself from everyone else.
“Ah, don’t be so modest, Hadoken.” The Intimidator came from behind DJ Hadoken and kidney punched him. “I know once you get on land, the first thing you’re going to do is say ‘BRING ME THOSE BOBBIT WOMEN!’ and you are just going to bear-hug them right there. You won’t care who’s watching. You’ll even call your mom and tell her. Don’t lie.”
“Haha, yeah.” DJ Hadoken laughed.
Secretly however, a slight uneasiness had occupied DJ Hadoken’s mind. He tried not to let it show though, because too many people were depending on him.
Just then, a smoke bomb exploded and nearly everyone on the ship thought they were being ambushed, but DJ Hadoken remained calm and stared into the smoke.
“What news?” DJ Hadoken spoke towards a figure emerging from the smoke.
It was a cyborg assassin that had come from the future to join DJ Firestarter’s elite special force. It had been assigned this most secretive mission by DJ Hadoken himself.
In a deep, unworldly voice, the cyborg assassin spoke, “Hadoken, your son is requesting permission to end his pursuit of Cam Camgee for the time being, as he is heading quickly towards the West.
“Your son has no doubt that one of RIA’s other armies will intercept him.
“In exchange, he asks permission to begin pursuit of Arwani, who we have determined to be heading East, towards DJ Fuji and his forces. Her intent is as of yet unknown.”
DJ Hadoken thought for a moment and then responded, “Alright, tell him to go ahead with that. Cam Camgee will likely slip past DJ Benvenuto and DJ Fuji. He is probably concerned about the Shanty Hills and wants to head directly to Bobbiton.”
The cyborg assassin nodded, “Very well, Hadoken. And this is for you, a gift from your son.”
The cyborg assassin pulled a bloody satchel from his robotic backpack and emptied its contents onto the floor. It was Smellygul’s severed head.
“Excellent,” DJ Hadoken responded.
“Your son knew you would be pleased!” The cyborg assassin tossed another smoke bomb and disappeared.
DJ Hadoken picked up Smellygul’s head. As he examined it, he spoke, “Diver Dan, do you think that after we’ve taken control of the Shanty Hills, you could set up a minefield of drain cleaner bombs filled with razor blades, to intercept our little bobbit friend?”
Diver Dan giggled with glee, “I’ve been waiting for you to say that for a long time, Hadoken.”
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