TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
Into The Fire
Chapter 2 (Part 2 of 5)
“TELL ME WHERE FRITO IS! DO YOU WANT SOME WATER?!?”
The Intimidator screamed in the razor blade riddled face of Cam Camgee. Tears fell from between the razor blades that filled the sockets where his eyes once were. He wailed in pain, “Yes, water, please! Have mercy!”
The Intimidator screamed louder, “GOOD! YOU CAN’T HAVE WATER! WHERE IS FRITO?! WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!”
DJ Hadoken stormed into the room, laughing maniacally. Around his neck, he wore a necklace of severed Bobbit heads (including Smellygul’s). “Enough, Intimidator, this scoundrel won’t tell us anything!”
DJ Hadoken raised his fist towards Cam Camgee and exclaimed, “THE STUDENT BODY!” He used his Ring of Vices to obliterate Cam Gamgee’s entire body, so that only his head remained. He walked to the head, picked it up, and tied it onto his necklace of fallen enemies.
DJ Hadoken then went back outside and proceeded to climb to the top of the Bobbit home and proclaimed, “RIA Zealots, rejoice! Bobbiton and the Shanty Hills have fallen!
“Through our BLOOD, through our DETERMINATION, through our BURNING PASSION FOR VICTORY we have prevailed over our foes!
“OUR FAR FROM INNOCENT FOES!
“Now, warriors. Before you prepare yourselves for the next phase of the seizure of Central-dirt, I ask you to trust me with your strength one more time!”
The warriors cheered.
“Frito Buggins remains alive. And he is in this area! Help me to extract him. So that I may dastardly deed him personally.
“Because if it were not for he, this war would have never been instigated!
“It was he who first made the mistake of traversing worlds. And now he must pay for it with his life!”
The Intimidator and Diver Dan stood at each side of DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken commanded, “Gather the dogs and what miserable relatives of Frito that may be alive. Feed the dogs aphrodisiacs and tie the Bobbits up in the courtyard!”
The zealots quickly complied. A few Bobbits were gathered. Among them, the wife and child of Cam Camgee.
DJ Hadoken proclaimed, “Behold Frito Buggins, I wear the head of your best friend around my neck! And now I present his wife and child to these dogs! Will you not come to their rescue? Will you not challenge me? You scoundrel!”
“Let them go!” From behind the bush emerged the pathetic voice of Frito Buggins. He revealed himself, not half the size of DJ Hadoken.
The Intimidator raised his fist into the air, “Let the man-to-bobbit duel commence!”
Frito rushed towards DJ Hadoken with Stinky drawn. But no matter how fast Frito ran, he would never have stood a chance against DJ Hadoken. This is because Frito was running the wrong way.
He should have been running AWAY from DJ Hadoken. As soon as Frito took three steps, DJ Hadoken hurled a 2-liter bottle filled with brake fluid and razor blades at Frito. It hit Frito directly in the face, exploding both the bottle and Frito’s head in the process.
The zealots cheered. Cam Camgee’s wife and child screamed and cried as the dogs defiled their bodies.
DJ Hadoken addressed his fellow RIAopians, “Excellent. Now the time is right. We march! RIA Zealots, prepare a camp. Next, we shall hunt Tom Dondadildo and then we shall proceed to Ravenballs!”
DJ Hadoken then observed the darkening crimson sky above, “Behold, RIA Zealots: the sky has grown red with the blood of Bobbits and the flames of Murkyforest! Our comrades are also victorious!”
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A hand came to rest on DJ Hadoken’s shoulder. He turned to speak to The General, “The tides are grim, my friend. That we should meet this day on the battlefield, would be otherwise joyous, were it not that it were under these unfortunate circumstances.”
The General had been assigned to head the military operations against Morbor; however, intelligence revealed that shortly before the invasion, the dark armies of Morbor had constructed terrible barricades through the coast and on land.
It also appeared that the armies of Morbor were increasing in number as they prepared for RIA’s arrival. For The General’s army group alone, the casualties would be too high to risk a siege at this early stage of the war.
Instead, the armies under The General’s control arrived to the east of the Shanty Hills and in a pre-emptive strike, they had torched it to the ground. The Bobbits stood no chance against The General’s large army group, with numbers, equipment, and dreadful machines of war that were designed to face the powerful armies of Morbor. Not a single RIAopian was wounded.
DJ Hadoken’s hair waved in the wind. He looked back towards the stars, “The armies of Morbor grow stronger as we speak. And there may be spies among us. They were prepared for our arrival, and surely know by now that some of our most powerful armies have been severely displaced.”
The General tried to reassure DJ Hadoken, “Morbor isn’t powerful enough to defeat all of our armies combined. After we meet everyone in Ló Liel, we will take Morbor together.”
DJ Hadoken observed the stars, “Yes, but the song of war can quickly change its tune. This may not be the last surprise in store for us.”
DJ Hadoken stepped forward and stood near The General, who had fixed his attention towards the dark sky in the East, “Do you think that DJ Benvenuto’s army has succeeded?”
The General turned and looked deeply into DJ Hadoken’s eyes, “What does your heart tell you?”
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