TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Into The Fire
Chapter 2 (Part 3 of 5)
DJ Wang’s army was small but formidable. The Juggalo Battalion (who had disembarked at the River Gwapo) were led by none other than Raggedy Rage. These insane gothic clowns were armed with long chains and spiked maces. No one dared to confront them as they stumbled alongside DJ Wang’s fleet.
Yes, stumbled. Because they were drunk and puking after having consumed milk mixed with some of the poison intended for the inhabitants of Central-dirt.
DJ Wang, in a hurry to poison the River Isad, was unable (or unwilling) to wait and observe whether the current of the River Gwapo would successfully transport the poison inland as intended.
As they moved along the coastline, DJ Wang noticed that the sky towards the North East had turned crimson grey from the smoke rising up out of the fire that was immolating Murkyforest. “Wow, looks like that melon-head DJ Fuji has actually contributed something for a change,” he commented.
When they reached the waters of the River Isad, DJ Wang immediately ordered his army to begin dumping the remaining barrels of poison into the river.
Now that they had more time to spare, DJ Wang and Zath observed the waters of the River Isad closely. Like the River Gwapo, the water was eerily calm, which made it difficult to determine the direction of the current.
“Is this really a river?” Zath commented, poking the water with the top of his long sword (his long sword also has the ability to shoot devastating laser beams).
According to the plans laid out in DJ Hadoken’s Proposal for Peace, it was imperative that the current transported the poison inland up the river. This would ensure that the inhabitants of Rodan, the Frosty Mountains, Bollin, Rhudini, Eattensmoor, and Ravenballs would be significantly weakened before encountering the armies of RIA.
DJ Wang noticed that the water showed no resistance to Zath’s sword, “What current? This water isn’t even moving!” It was almost as if the rivers had anticipated their devious plan, and we’re attempting to somehow protect the not-so-innocent inhabitants of Central-dirt from their inevitable demise.
Zath reminded DJ Wang, “If the current is against us, we were supposed to figure out another way to get this poison up the river.”
DJ Wang shook his head, disappointed and irritated, “Geez, I knew this plan was ridiculous from the beginning. Stop drinking the poison, you lamesters!”
The Juggalo Battalion had begun to share their liquid concoction with the Creepy Talk Show Hosts, the Vulgarians (the Talk Show Hosts’ chair-wielding guest-combatants), and the Warrior Sailors that made up the rest of DJ Wang’s army. There was puke everywhere.
“Alright, lamesters!” DJ Wang clapped and shouted loudly at his belligerent RIA comrades. “We need to start moving!”
“Which way will we move?” Zath asked.
But just then, something that resembled a giant rocket could be seen streaking across the sky overhead. It left behind a long trail of smoke that indicated it had approached from the direction of the Gap of Rodan, near Hard’n Deep.
Zath used his RIA Army-Grade Special Issue Monocular Telescope to observe, “It looks like Meta-Guy.”
Meta-Guy and his creator, Guy the Manager, were with DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon’s army. According to the plan, they were to seize Rodan after having crossed the Frosty Mountains. At this time, DJ Wang realized that DJ Benvenuto must already be engaged in combat with the enemy. Obviously, Meta-Guy rocketing away in the middle of a battle was not a good sign.
As Meta-Guy rocketed away, bombers from the remnants of Kewl Kat’s 111st, 114th and 120th Airborne Divisions soared overhead at a tremendous speed towards the Gap of Rodan (the majority of the airborne divisions had been destroyed on R-Day).
“That way!” DJ Wang commanded his army to beeline East through the woodlands of Enodswaist towards the Gap of Rodan.
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