TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Into The Fire
Chapter 2 (Part 5 of 5)
“I do not fear you nor Morbor nor Mouron. You shadows do not hold sway yet. Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will be defeated!” Arwani shouted defiantly towards her captors.
Arwani was tied up next to her horse on the ground of the woodland marshes in Neen-er-Nil, between the rivers of Horsgood and Gladyuin, just ahead of the former elven domain of Erotion and the Door of Mineland. Before she was intercepted, she had been attempting to warn the elfish hero known as Legorias (son of Thrandorias of Two Faces) that the Central-dirt Taxation Office was about to audit his entire family.
The ninjas that had captured Arwani were quickly dispersing back into the woodland marshes, trying to get as far away as possible from her. DJ Firestarter was too nauseous to respond to what she had said.
It had not been hard to locate Arwani because she left behind the stench of a two-thousand-seven-hundred- year-old half-elf wherever she went. She had inherited the lifespan of an elf and the hygiene of a human. She smelled so bad that the ninjas didn’t even need dogs to help them track her.
Additionally, the horse she was riding was still exhausted from having run around so much with Frito in the first movie about Central-dirt. This was already the six thousand and ninety-third horse that Arwani had owned. She took such bad care of her horses that the ninjas were considering reporting her to the Equine Advocates Society of Central-dirt.
Arwani’s clothes ripped off more and more as DJ Firestarter and his assassins battled her. This not only made the stench worse, it also revealed to them some of the disgusting anatomy unique only to elves. But DJ Firestarter had no trouble dodging her attacks because he could use the Skittles Shuffle. And he had trained for months battling blue belts in the Dragon Ball Z M.U.D. to improve his hand-to-hand combat skills.
DJ Firestarter knew that they had to end the battle quickly, before the stench made them all go unconscious. So they tied her up on the ground together with her horse and left one brave guard ninja behind. The guard ninja was supposed to stand by her and use air fresheners to get her stench under control so that the others could safely return later.
DJ Firestarter stopped on the bank of the river Horsgood towards Barsbad. The water caught his attention. He kneeled down and scooped some of it with his hand. DJ Wang should have dumped the poison into it by now. But DJ Firestarter could not detect any trace of it.
A cyborg assassin with glowing eyes emerged from the darkness of the woodland marshes. With him was none other than Pippis Look.
In a deep, unworldly voice, it said, “Master, this bobbit brings a message from your father.” Pippis looked sweaty and nervous. The cyborg assassin continued, “We found him screaming like a lizard near the Barsbad Bridge.”
Pippis was frightened by the cyborg assassin, but also excited. This was truly an adventure for him, and him alone. Not Frito Buggins. Shaking from excited nervousness, he opened both his palms, revealing the ring and the bracelet that he had been clutching so tightly as he ran.
DJ Firestarter immediately recognized DJ Hadoken’s Ring of Vices and Mouron’s Bracelet. He took them from Pippis’ hands. After putting on DJ Hadoken’s Ring of Vices, in addition to his own, he was wearing one Ring of Vices on each hand. He then attached Mouron’s Bracelet to a chain he wore around his neck. The invisibility granted by Mouron’s Bracelet would make a devastating combination with his smoke bombs.
“What is the message?” DJ Firestarter stared down at Pippis.
Pippis’ eyes grew wide. The attention he was receiving from these powerful figures was overwhelming. He could barely contain his excitement. As he laughed nervously, he tried his best to regain his composure, “Ahem! Yes, I bring a message!” He stood as proudly as a bobbit could and repeated what DJ Hadoken had told him, “‘The hunt for Tom Dondadildo has begun.’”
DJ Firestarter nodded at the cyborg assassin. The cyborg assassin then summoned several ninjas that had been hiding in the shadows and quickly jumped away in the direction of the Elder Woods.
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“What have I got in my pocket?” Pippis’ asked himself as he grabbed the bulge.
DJ Firestarter heard this and asked, “What do you have in your pocket?”
Pippis noticed the envelope that was sticking out of his vest pocket and exclaimed, “Oh... Oh, yes! I have a letter!” His hands were shaking with excitement as he pulled the sealed envelope out of his pocket and handed it to DJ Firestarter.
DJ Firestarter swiftly broke the seal of the envelope with a shuriken and unfolded the letter within. It was handwritten with an official RIA Army letterhead at the top.
For DJ Firestarter’s eyes only!
Change of plan. Morbor was heavily fortified so my army attacked the Shanty Hills instead.
We are with DJ Hadoken’s army now.
An elf warship vanished before we ransacked the Foggy Harbor. We suspect Bildo Buggins was on board. ELIMINATE ON FIRST SIGHT.
Victory will be ours.
Long live RIA!
P.S.
Eliminate Pippis ASAP (go easy on him for being a good stooge).
THE GENERAL
DJ Firestarter burned the letter and then asked, “What news do you bring?”
For a moment, Pippis was confused. But as he laughed nervously, another cyborg assassin appeared from the shadows, “DJ Benvenuto’s army was overwhelmed by Rodan and Gombor. Kewl Kat’s army has fallen back into Hard’n Deep. DJ Wang’s army approaches the Gap of Rodan.”
“Is DJ Benvenuto okay?” DJ Firestarter asked.
The cyborg assassin simply responded, “DJ Benvenuto’s army was completely overwhelmed.”
DJ Firestarter then knelt down and looked at Pippis, “Get on my back.”
Pippis gulped, nodded quickly, and then climbed onto DJ Firestarter’s back. DJ Firestarter then quickly jumped back into the woodland marshes.
DJ Firestarter stopped nearby Arwani and her horse. The guard ninja was furiously spraying air freshener. Thanks to his bravery, Arwani’s smelly biohazard was under control.
When Arwani noticed Pippis on DJ Firestarter’s back, she called out to him, “Pippis Look! Is that you?”
“Arwani?” Pippis got down from DJ Firestarter’s back. He noticed that Arwani was tied up and that most of her clothes had been torn off. And then his eyes widened when he noticed her helpless horse, “Is that a horse?”
Arwani was uncomfortable at Pippis behavior, “Pippis Look! What has begot you? Are you not here to help me?”
“Oh! A half-elf and a horse! Oh! The good fortunes of today! And no pesky Constoble around! Hahaha!” Pippis was excited, but then quietly thought out loud to himself, “Oh, no. But here is not Ranchman Grub’s stable and these are not his ponies...”
DJ Firestarter nodded at the guard ninja. It quickly backed away from Arwani and her horse. DJ Firestarter then said to Pippis, “Go get ‘em, Pippis.”
Pippis smiled the biggest smile a bobbit has ever had. Arwani then became furious. The horse started to neigh.
“What’s this, a bobbit? That has lost his mind?” Arwani shouted.
As he ran towards them, Pippis exclaimed in joy, “A half-elf and a bobbit and a horse! This is truly an adventure only worthy for a Look!”
Pippis tried to get as close to the horse as he could. It neighed as Arwani threw herself on top of it and shouted in defiance, “If you want her, come and claim her!”
Arwani’s stench began to worsen and became even more noticeable as she sweated profusely. As Pippis started to grab at her and the neighing horse, DJ Firestarter raised his fists and aimed his Rings of Vices towards the three of them, “This is why they call me ‘The Firestarter’, bizzzatches! Long live RIA!”
DJ Firestarter then quickly shouted, “WHIRLING GYRATIONS! THE STUDENT BODY!”
Never before in the history of RIA had a DJ wielded two Rings of Vices at once. The blast of energy was so powerful that the three were incinerated instantaneously. But DJ Firestarter did not have time to stick around. He had to flee quickly because it turns out that the lingering old half-elf stench was flammable and so it ignited into a massive fireball that immolated the entire area.
The fire spread so quickly and was so destructive that it was as if somebody had dropped napalm all over the woodland marshes. If only they had known from the beginning, they could have lit a match and saved themselves the time of chasing her down.
Finally, the woodland marshes were clear of Arwani’s decrepit 2,700 year old half-elf stench. And the world was spared from ever witnessing the creation of a half-elf bobbit hybrid and / or a horse bobbit hybrid.
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