TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Wizards’ Secrets
Chapter 3 (Part 2 of 5)
The freshly assimilated bobbits were quickly distributed throughout The General’s and DJ Hadoken’s armies. The bobbits were put hard to work as slaves assembling the machines of war that would be necessary to crush the armies of Central-dirt and ultimately, the legions of Morbor.
The bobbits’ small stature combined with the determination that they showed when promised more of the finest, premium cigars (and board games), proved to be invaluable to the RIA Army. They were able to get into the tight nooks and crannies of the most complex machines and adjust them more easily than the average RIAopian zealot mechanic.
It turns out that the peoples of Central-dirt had treated the bobbits really bad in the past. But now that they had been freed by the RIA Army, they were a highly motivated cigar smoking slave labor force eager to exact revenge upon their former oppressors.
And now that the Shanty Hills had fallen, all of the lands North of the Wrandibine River were under the complete control of The General’s and DJ Hadoken’s armies. And thanks to The Field Marshal’s efforts, The Forgotten Frontier of Arbies was also under RIA’s control. However, they were anticipating heavy resistance as they advanced deeper into Central-dirt.
Although they had made great gains in the North, considering that The General’s large army group had been forced to abort their initial assault on Morbor, things were not going according to the plan. It was imperative that they advanced before their enemies could further fortify their defensive positions.
When The Field Marshal returned to his own army (to commence the disintegration of the Mountains of Hiccuppin), he left behind none other than the dwarf with the rocket launcher, Belly Bunkem.
The hunt for Tom Dondadildo, which had originally been scheduled for one week, would take place during a shorter period of time (as the armies made their preparations). DJ Hadoken, The General, Diver Dan, The Intimidator, and Belly Bunkem had ventured to The Martyitch in the Eastern Fartings near the Elder Woods. They were currently discussing how to proceed with the hunt.
Diver Dan pointed out, “Guys, all of our dogs are on aphrodisiacs now. So I don’t think they will be able to help us track Tom Dondadildo.”
A bobbit that was on his Twelve-Thirtyses meal break from slave labor, overheard this and approached them, “I know this land very well because this is Bangforlong, my land. I am Ranchman Grub. I was happy to hear about that pesky Frito Buggins being dastardly deeded and that troublemaker Merisdong Bradypunch meeting his demise on some jagged rocks.”
There was dirt under this old bobbit’s feet and mud on his fingers; bandages on his broken bones, and both his eyes were bloodshot from slave labor, “It’s lucky for you that I know you. I was just going to take my dogs out for a walk.”
Ranchman Grub had brought along his three dogs (which were probably the only dogs in all of the Shanty Hills that were currently not trying to dirty deed something). “I also know Tom Dondadildo. I have met him often. You know, because we bobbits like to keep good graces. But most of what he says is nonsensical. A waste of time, I tell you.”
The General had an idea, “Oh, this is great. Hey, Ranchman Grub. Why don’t you bring your three dogs there and join us on our hunt for Tom Dondadildo? We’ll make sure he never wastes your time again. Ever.”
Belly Bunkem smacked his rocket launcher and said, “What do we need a little bobbit for? We can just make the whole lot of Elder Woods go boom! Hahaha!”
That rocket launcher smack made The General a little nervous, “No, no. We need to make sure we see Tom Dondadildo first. And then we make him go boom. Because, uh... Hey, DJ Hadoken, why are we hunting this guy, again?”
“Because he’s very skilled and cunning. We’re gonna get his wife, too.” DJ Hadoken explained.
Ranchman Grub took them all back to Bangforlong where they readied themselves for the hunt. The General and Ranchman Grub sharpened some pitchforks. Diver Dan was able to make some homemade landmines from materials he found in Ranchman Grub’s shed. DJ Hadoken and The Intimidator made some nooses.
As they set out for the Elder Woods, they all put on camouflage and hunting caps. The General commented, “Man, we’ve gone from ruthless invaders to a good old-fashioned lynch mob!”
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Diver Dan giggled, “Man, that was so funny how Frito’s head just blew to pieces like that. The brake fluid razor blade bomb worked better than I expected it to!”
The Intimidator laughed, “Yeah, and how about when DJ Hadoken just suddenly tossed Merisdong off that hill onto some jagged rocks?” The Intimidator had a big smile as he grabbed DJ Hadoken’s shoulder, “I knew DJ Hadoken had it in him! I knew he would go insane the moment he got off that boat!”
The General reflected about Pippis, “And then Pippis, out of nowhere, decides to let out all of his repressed anger. Oh man, poor Pippis.”
Diver Dan turned to Ranchman Grub, “Hey! Ranchman Grub, would you mind if I tossed you? I want to see what it’s like to toss a bobbit! Don’t worry, it won’t be onto any rocks!”
Belly Bunkem was laughing hysterically as Ranchman Grub responded, “I’ll be glad if you didn’t do that! What’s become of Pippis Look? I’ve found him visiting my ponies at night, these times of late.”
The General responded, “Yeah, uh, we sent Pippis off to deliver something for us.”
Belly Bunkem was laughing and waving his rocket launcher around as he shouted, “It never ceases to amaze me, the stupidity of bobbits!”
The General whispered nervously to DJ Hadoken, “Dude, does Belly Bunkem know how to use a rocket launcher properly? Did anyone in The Field Marshal’s army bother to train him?”
Ranchman Grub would not tolerate anymore of Belly Bunkem’s rude comments, “Who are you to say those things? This isn’t dwarf country! You ought not to be rude to a bobbit here!”
As Ranchman Grub was giving Belly Bunkem the strongest retort he could muster, The General noticed that the safety mechanism was not enabled on Belly Bunkem’s rocket launcher.
The General now was panicking as he whispered to DJ Hadoken, “Oh, man. The safety isn’t even on on that thing! He’s going to blow us all up alongside Tom Dondadildo!”
DJ Hadoken tried to calm The General, “General, we’re doing this for the glory of RIA and for The Ancients. Remember, IT’S ALL THE WAY OR NO THE WAY.”
Diver Dan then tried to get everybody’s attention as he asked, “Hey, so how exactly are we supposed to take out Tom Dondadildo and his wife?”
The General asked, “Isn’t Tom Dondadildo that wizard that likes to do freaky things with animals? What if he traps us in his house? And... you know...”
DJ Hadoken corrected him, “No, that’s not Tom Dondadildo. Tom Dondadildo is the one that dances around and sings stupid songs.”
Belly Bunkem (now carrying his rocket launcher over his shoulder) turned towards The General and said, “He speaks of Borold!” Borold was the name that Tom Dondadildo was known as to the dwarves.
The General cautioned Belly Bunkem, “Hey, uh, watch where you point that thing!”
Diver Dan tried to keep everybody on topic, “Isn’t Tom Dondadildo like some ancient mystical being of the woods or something? And isn’t The Funk Mistress the only one of us who can use magic? I made these landmines and you’ve got those pitchforks and nooses, but how are we supposed to take him out without using any magic?”
DJ Hadoken responded, “Yeah, and DJ Firestarter has my Ring of Vices now. The best I can do is maybe throw some hadokens and hope that one of them hits him and knocks him down. Then hopefully maybe he’ll fall onto a landmine or Belly Bunkem can blow him up with a rocket.”
The General commented, “Oh, man. We’re so screwed.” But then he raised his pitchfork a little and said weakly, “But this is for the glory of RIA. Yeah. Come on, guys...”
The Intimidator then shouted loudly, for all of the Elder Woods to hear, “YEAH! FOR THE GLORY OF RIA! WE’RE GONNA GET YOU, TOM DONDADILDO! DO YOU WANT SOME WATER?!”
Ranchman Grub’s dogs had just begun to bark crazily, ready for the hunt, when Belly Bunkem fired a Mountain Buster Rocket (M.B.R.) straight up into the air and then shouted, “WHERE’S YOUR WIFE BOROLD? NOT A BEAUTY FOR LONG, I IMAGINE!”
“Holy crap!” The General shouted after everybody but Belly Bunkem had been knocked over from the blowback of the M.B.R.’s launch.
“Oh, man.” DJ Hadoken stood up and was dusting himself off as he said, “Okay, okay. I’ve got an idea. Everyone, listen to me.”
They all gathered around DJ Hadoken as he started to explain, “Okay, Belly Bunkem and Ranchman Grub won’t know this, but do you RIAopians here remember the RIA song called The Hadoken Anthem?”
“Is that the one where Jorge is infertile?” The Intimidator asked.
DJ Hadoken responded, “No, no. The one where Jorge is infertile is the one about Jorge being infertile.”
Diver Dan smiled and said, “Yeah, I remember that one. The Hadoken Anthem. I think I heard it once.”
The General shook his head, “Sorry man, I’m with The Intimidator on this one. Never heard it.”
DJ Hadoken was disappointed, “Man, nobody ever listens to the songs we make. That’s why we barely ever record anything anymore.” But still confident in his idea, he continued, “Anyway, it’s easy and I’ll teach you how to do it. You don’t even need to be a RIA DJ to do it. That’s how easy it is.”
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The General liked this idea, “Oh, all right! So when he comes out, me and Ranchman Grub can poke him with our pitchforks! So how do we, uh, sing this thing?”
DJ Hadoken then asked The General, “Do you remember the video game called Road Fighter?”
Again, The General shook his head, “No, not really. I prefer less antisocial behavior. You know, like chasing girls and doing things in real life. The kinds of road fights I like are in bars. You know. With broken bottles.”
DJ Hadoken then tried to see if he could jog The General’s memory, “Okay, but weren’t you around when we played Comcap vs BLT 2 at my house?”
The General thought for a moment, “I think I remember seeing you guys play the one with the Mutant Men on Yumecast.”
DJ Hadoken responded, “Oh, that was Marbles vs Comcap. The music sucks in that one.” He waved his hands and said, “Okay, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to teach you what to sing. It’s really easy. Just remember this and keep repeating.”
DJ Hadoken then started to sing The General’s part, “This is the truuuue looove we’re making! This is the true love we’re making! This is the true love we’re making!”
The General’s eyes widened, “Oh man, that’s so weird.”
DJ Hadoken then turned to Diver Dan, “You know Drago’s stage in Road Fighter, right? And you know how in The Hadoken Anthem, DJ Benny just repeats the melody over and over?”
Diver Dan nodded really fast, “Yeah, yeah. I can do that!”
DJ Hadoken said, “Okay, good!” And then he explained, “While you guys sing those parts, I’m going to throw hadokens like crazy. All over the place. And we’ll move through the woods like that.”
And then DJ Hadoken turned to The Intimidator, “All you have to do is be like an announcer and say ‘Drago’ and ‘Go Drago!’ over and over. And be like, The Intimidator, how you always are. But try to go along with the song.”
The Intimidator looked determined, “Yeah, man. I got it. I’ve played Road Fighter a few times.”
DJ Hadoken then said to Ranchman Grub, “Ranchman, you know Tom Dondadildo better than any one of us here. So you go in front and lead us with your dogs.”
Ranchman Grub gladly abided, “He won’t cross my land without leave anymore! Not if I can stop it!”
DJ Hadoken then spoke to Belly Bunkem, “And Belly, if you see Dondadildo... I mean, Borold. We want you to blow him up. But be careful. Don’t be too close to him when you fire a rocket. We need to be far away before you can use it.”
Belly Bunkem immediately started to laugh, “If this is to end in fire, then we will all burn together! Hahaha!”
The General tried to warn Belly Bunkem, “No, no. Take it easy there, uh, fella. You listen to DJ Hadoken. Make sure that Borold and his wife are real far away from us before you fire that thing. Real far.”
Belly Bunkem just kept laughing as DJ Hadoken (determined to move on) said, “Okay! Everybody get ready! Ranchman Grub, lead the way!”
Ranchman Grub and his three dogs started to bark wildly as they led the way through the woods.
DJ Hadoken started to throw hadokens everywhere as he sang, “HADOKEN! HADOKEN! HA HA HADOKEN! HADOOOKEN!”
Diver Dan sang, “Dun dun dun dun dudududu dun dun dun!”
The General sang, “This is the truuuue looove we’re making! This is the true love we’re making! This is the true love we’re making!”
The Intimidator shouted, “Drago! Go Drago! Yeah! COME OUT DONDADILDO!”
And the bass was provided by Belly Bunkem’s deep, hearty laughter.
It was like an impromptu RIA performance was taking place in the Elder Woods of Central-dirt. It would have been hard for the group to describe, but a mysterious power emanated from them as they sang this RIA song.
The trees of the Elder Woods (which were notoriously hostile towards intruders) dared not interfere with this group. Partly because the group was protected by the mysterious power they were emanating, and partly because nobody in the Elder Woods liked Tom Dondadildo anyway.
Suddenly, the bloodcurdling scream of a woman was heard, just before a massive explosion that came from the direction of the Writhywrinkle, not far West from Tom Dondadildo’s house. The M.B.R. that Belly Bunkem had shot straight up earlier must have finally come back down.
The group was startled, but DJ Hadoken encouraged them, “Don’t stop! Keep moving forward! Keep singing!”
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DJ Hadoken continued to throw hadokens everywhere as he sang, “HADOKEN! HADOKEN! HA HA HADOKEN! HADOOOKEN!”
Diver Dan continued to sing, “Dun dun dun dun dudududu dun dun dun!”
The General continued to sing, “This is the truuuue looove we’re making! This is the true love we’re making! This is the true love we’re making!”
The Intimidator continued to shout, “YEAH! COME GET YOUR WATER DONDADILDO!”
And Belly Bunkem continued to provide the bass with his hearty laughter.
Soon they came upon Tom Dondadildo’s house, which was located near the Undulating-barrels and the Dinglebery of the Elder Woods. And standing outside on the porch and staring directly at the group was none other than Tom Dondadildo himself.
It looked like Tom Dondadildo was wearing his clothes inside out. And he had on a ridiculously ugly hat. The blank expression on his immensely bearded face suggested to the RIAopians that perhaps he had the intelligence of a Hulk Smash.
The exploded body parts of his wife (Oldcherry) and the exploded debris of the Big Sallow Tree (which had been the greatest sallow tree that the Elder Woods had to offer) rained down upon Tom Dondadildo from the sky. But he seemed more interested in the song that these visitors were singing than the exploded remains raining down upon him.
It seemed as if Tom Dondadildo was just about to say something nonsensical or sing one of his stupid songs, when the sound of a barrage of gunfire suddenly rang out from behind the trees.
The windows of Tom Dondadildo’s house were shattered and his front porch was riddled with bullet holes. Tom Dondadildo lay motionless on the ground, covered by the exploded remains of Oldcherry (his wife) and the Big Sallow Tree.
The group then noticed a cyborg assassin and a group of DJ Firestarter’s ninjas quickly scurrying away. The ninjas had assassinated Tom Dondadildo using some guns that they had procured from the Ninja Assault arcade machine at the local arcade.
The General exclaimed, “Oh, man. That was like a ninja drive-by!”
Just then, Belly Bunkem stepped forward and aimed his rocket launcher as he said, “One of them has met their demise. But one of them is false.”
Ranchman Grub’s dogs reacted first. They ran off pulling the bobbit behind them.
Belly Bunkem grumbled, “There is one yet on that doorstep who still draws breath!”
Even The Intimidator got nervous, “Uh, guys!”
The General shouted, “Holy crap! Belly Bunkem, no! He’s already dastardly deeded!”
DJ Hadoken urgently commanded, “RUN AWAY!”
Belly Bunkem then shouted towards the bullet-riddled house, “If more people forgot about Borold, this world would be a merrier place!” And then he fired an M.B.R. directly at Tom Dondadildo’s motionless body.
The rest of the group scattered and each managed to run away just far enough to safely find cover from the immense blast of the M.B.R. After all of the debris had finished falling from the sky, only a large crater was left where Tom Dondadildo’s house used to be. There was no trace of Belly Bunkem.
The group (now without Belly Bunkem) reunited and composed themselves. Having fulfilled their objective, they journeyed back towards Bangforlong in The Martyitch.
On their way, The General realized the dwarf nature that was behind Belly Bunkem’s actions. He commented to the group, “Woah. Belly Bunkem must have predicted exactly where Tom Dondadildo’s wife would be by the time that rocket came back down. Man. He knew what was going on the whole time! That dwarf was a strategic mastermind! Did he know that Tom Dondadildo was still alive, too?”
The General stopped walking and faced back towards the direction of the massive crater. He gave a salute as he said, “Rest in glory, dwarf friend. Rest in glory.”
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