TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
Wizards’ Secrets
Chapter 3 (Part 3 of 5)
The Zombies played on their massive war drums as they approached Ló Liel from the East, slightly North of the Meadow of Bingers. In the distance, the war horns of the elves could be heard. They had seen the fire in the sky (above where Murkyforest used to be) and had been preparing to meet the invading RIAopian army head on. The Elfish war songs showed no signs of fear or wavering.
Chills ran through the spines of DJ Fuji the Man Scout and The Funk Mistress. For a moment, they began to wonder what they were about to get themselves into. Behind them lay the charred and blackened wasteland that was once Murkyforest.
DJ Fuji ordered his Zombie army to stop before the big river of Antydoin. Just across the river was the forest of Ló Liel.
Through their RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars they could see thousands of Elf warriors awaiting them in the distance. From among the ranks of Elf warriors and archers, rode an Elf on a white steed, his hair flowing in the wind. He rode toward the Western bank of the river.
It was none other than Legorias, Elf hero of Central-dirt and son of Thrandorias of Two Faces. DJ Fuji then emerged from the ranks of his Zombie army, and used his experience as a man scout to walk hastily towards Legorias.
Legorias (who could not understand how DJ Fuji had managed to reach him so quickly) exclaimed, “What madness is this? From where do you hail, a man leading an army of strange monsters? If you be from Morbor, tell Mouron that the Elves will not fall to his cowardly techniques. Nor will Ló Liel suffer the same fate as Murkyforest.”
DJ Fuji cackled, “Hahaha. You’ll never get it. Soon you will all be destroyed.”
From the South came the sound of a battle horn of yet another army. Its deep noise quickly penetrated through the sounds of Elf and Zombie armies.
The Funk Mistress became excited with anticipation, “That must be DJ Benny!” According to the plans laid out in DJ Hadoken’s Proposal for Peace, DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon’s army, after defeating Rodan, would be meeting DJ Fuji’s army at Ló Liel.
A second war horn erupted. The Zombies and Elves now all turned their attention to the South.
From across The Mold, near the Meadow of Bingers, they could see through their RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars the figures of an advancing army. Through the mist, their banners at last revealed themselves. But to the dismay of our RIA heroes, they were not of DJ Benvenuto’s army, but those of the wizard Gandolf the Flash and Gombor.
The Funk Mistress yelled across the river, “DJ Fuji, what’s going on? How can Gombor be here?! Wasn’t DJ Wang supposed to have poisoned them?!”
DJ Fuji yelled back, “Funk Mistress I don’t know!”
Legorias looked down at DJ Fuji from his mighty steed, smiled, and rode back towards the ranks of Elves. DJ Fuji walked at a swift pace back to his Zombie army.
The voice of Gandolf the Flash echoed from The Mold to the forest and across the river, “Demons from another world! You will find that the men of Central-dirt will not fall prey to any monsters, be them sent from Mouron himself or some other foul being!”
DJ Fuji commanded his army, “Zombies, get in your ranks, prepare for battle!”
The Zombies quickly assembled into divisions (according to their Zombie powers). The Zombie archers quickly grabbed their bows and arrows assembled out of their own bones. The artillery Zombies quickly filed to the back of the ranks.
The Funk Mistress was growing anxious, “DJ Fuji, where is DJ Benvenuto?!”
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From within the warship, emerged hundreds of Elf warriors. These warriors appeared aged and battle-hardened. The once legendary Bildo Buggins led them, having returned from the fabled land of the West (via the Foggy Harbor) to fight for Central-dirt once again.
The Funk Mistress was now clearly starting to panic, “We are outnumbered, we can’t win like this! Where is DJ Benny?!”
DJ Fuji ran to The Funk Mistress and grabbed her shoulders. “Funk Mistress, calm down! Funk Mistress, I want you to fight Gandolf the Flash with your Funk Powers.”
The Funk Mistress’ eyes widened, “WHAT?! Are you crazy?!”
DJ Fuji looked firmly into her eyes, “Funk Mistress, you have to. We can’t run away. Because we wouldn’t survive if we did. We probably won’t even survive here, but we have to at least put up a fight. You are the only one who can use magic here, so you take Gandolf the Flash. You can do it. I believe in you. I’ll take everyone else.”
The Funk Mistress had never respected DJ Fuji very much before and she never thought she ever would, because of his sheer tendency to be a troll. But now, at this final moment that could possibly mean the death of them, through his troll-ness, somehow, he managed to say the right thing. She looked at him in disbelief.
DJ Fuji shook her, “Funk Mistress!”
“Hold it.” A familiar voice entered their ears. A hand grasped DJ Fuji’s shoulder.
An explosion erupted and the great warship of the Elves burst into flames. The Elf warriors that were still disembarking ran ablaze, scattering into the water. Bildo Buggins, who had been standing at the bow of the ship, plunged miserably. His weak, withered old body was completely immolated before it even touched the water.
“DJ Firestarter!” The Funk Mistress cried. DJ Firestarter was dressed in full ninja armor, with only the lower half of his face showing. He wore an eye patch, spiked gloves, and had a scar above his eyebrow. He wore three katanas and his hair flowed freely.
But then, moaning wails rose from within the Zombie ranks. Another explosion rang out. Dozens of Zombies were being decimated by massive boulders thrown at them from the Southwest. In the distance, a mighty army of Tree Monsters had appeared (once again emerging from their peaceful slumber in the woods of Fangbang Forest).
DJ Firestarter hurriedly said, “DJ Hadoken and The General are coming here as fast as they can. Leave the Elves to me. When the sun sets, look to the Hazy Mountains!”
Then, he reached into his ninja satchel and pulled out a smoke bomb. He was about to use it when The Funk Mistress pleaded, “DJ Firestarter, where is DJ Benvenuto? When is he coming?!”
DJ Firestarter looked downwards, “I don’t know.” And then, just as quickly as he had appeared, he vanished.
Moments later, arrows (that were shot out from the trees behind the Elves) furiously rained upon the Elves in such a way that nearly half of the Elfish ranks were forced to return to the forest to defeat a hidden enemy.
Meanwhile, the army of Gombor (being led by Gandolf the Flash) charged towards DJ Fuji’s Zombie army. The Zombie ranks that had held through the barrage of the boulders delivered by the Tree Monsters rushed eagerly to taste the brains of the men of Gombor.
And then, a mighty white flash of light, cast by Gandolf theFlash, rose into the sky, temporarily forcing the Zombies to retreat. But The Funk Mistress soon countered, “I call upon the powers of the Funk to eliminate that spell!”
And then the sky opened and a furious Funk Bolt struck the ground, dispelling Gandolf the Flash’s spell and allowing the Zombies to advance once again.
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