TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
Wizards’ Secrets
Chapter 3 (Part 4 of 5)
The Elfish arrows stopped following DJ Firestarter and began to meet him instead. An arrow singed his arm. He gripped the wounded arm as drops of blood fell to the ground. What light that crept through the dense foliage began to disappear. He began to lose his balance; he fell onto the ground below.
Emerging from the blackness, DJ Firestarter sprang forward. He was prepared to ascend into the trees once more, expecting a battalion of elves to be upon him. But he was nearly alone. Only one Elf stood before him. It was none other than the Elf hero known as Legorias, son of Thrandorias of Two Faces.
Legorias, observing the weakened DJ Firestarter, spoke confidently, “Indeed, you are a formidable warrior, much more agile and skilled than Men. You have strange techniques. Had we met under different circumstances, perhaps the elves of Ló Liel would have invited you into their halls to exchange knowledge.”
Breathing heavily, the blackness was coming upon DJ Firestarter again.
Legorias’ eyes then filled with disdain for DJ Firestarter and all RIAopians, “But now you must die.” He lifted his bow and aimed at DJ Firestarter. Legorias’ eyes and DJ Firestarter’s eye that wasn’t covered by the eyepatch met.
DJ Firestarter knew what to do. He put on Mouron’s Bracelet (which he had received from Pippis) and disappeared quickly. For a moment his enemy was disoriented, “Mouron’s Bracelet?” Legorias muttered to himself.
But Legorias was a fine Elvin archer who rarely missed his mark. The arrow pierced DJ Firestarter’s shoulder. But it was no matter anymore. DJ Firestarter reappeared and his eye (the one not covered by the eyepatch) met Legorias’ eyes once more. As DJ Firestarter fell to the ground, his hands clasped together in an ancient ninja form.
“OOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEAHH BROOOTHER!”
The ground exploded beneath Legorias as the nine time DDR Wrestling Mexican Champion and the current undisputed number one contender for the Kakutougi One Sekai Championship Heavyweight Belt, El Gran Salchichon, burst forth, grabbing Legorias’ feet.
“NO ONE STANDS A CHANCE WHEN EL SALCHICHON ARRIVES!! NOT EVEN AN ELF CAN RESIST THE SALCHI RACK!! OOOOH YEAHH!!”
Legorias screamed like a pitiful sissy boy as El Gran Salchichon lifted him over his shoulders and performed the mighty Salchi Rack.
“HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH ELF BOY?!?!?!! WELL I HAVEN’T!! NOOOOOO!!! OOOH YEEEEAH! ARE YOU READY FOR THE SALCHI DRIVER!!!!! BROTHER!!!”
Legorias shrieked as El Gran Salchichon drove him into the ground. And as he lay crying in pain, a ninja dressed like a referee and wearing surgical gloves sprinted up to Legorias and started to examine him. After a moment, the ninja referee stood up, shook his head and started waving his hands in the air.
Another ninja rang a bell, and a cyborg assassin announcer proclaimed, “The winner, by technical knockout, of the No Rules Beat Down at Ló Liel... is... EL GRAN SALCHICHOOOOON!”
The ninja referee raised El Gran Salchichon’s arm in the air and pointed at him. But just as El Gran Salchichon’s theme song started to play, El Gran Salchichon grabbed a microphone and shouted, “STOP THE MUSIC!”
In an instant, all turned silent. And then El Gran Salchichon began to speak, “The moment I arrived in Japan, I knew I wasn’t in Mexico anymore.”
El Gran Salchichon paced around as Legorias started to wail miserably on the ground, “In Mexico, I was the lone wolf that CAME OUT OF NOWHERE to defeat the likes of EL BAILADOR and VEINTE PATAS to become the UNDEFEATED AND LONGEST REIGNING DDR Wrestling Mexican Champion.”
Legorias’ mouth gaped open as he gasped for air. El Gran Salchichon looked at the ninjas that were gathering around in the trees, “But even EL GRAN SALCHICHON, who won the TRIPLE S DOUBLES GAUNTLET MATCH at Mexico City Dome in front of 200,000 SALCHICHAS, was a NOBODY in Japan!”
El Gran Salchichon looked down at Legorias, “Do you wanna know why, Elf boy?”
Legorias rolled over, writhing in pain. El Gran Salchichon moved closer to Legorias, to make sure that Legorias could hear him as he said, “It’s because in Japan, it’s not about how big of a LOBO you are. It’s about WHAT OTHER BIG LOBOS you got around you!”
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El Gran Salchichon looked around again at the ninjas in the trees, “In my VERY FIRST match in KAKUTOUGI ONE, I was defeated by HAYATE KERIATO. I learned quickly that just being EL GRAN SALCHICHON in Japan WAS NOT GONNA BE ENOUGH if I wanted to be the SEKAI HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!”
DJ Firestarter stumbled closer towards El Gran Salchichon, nodding in agreement with what El Gran Salchichon had just said.
El Gran Salchichon put his arm around DJ Firestarter’s shoulders and said, “That’s why I teamed up with the HOTTEST HOMBRE DJ FIRESTARTER and his NINJA COMPADRES!”
The ninjas in the trees glanced around at each other, nodding in agreement. Legorias was grasping his stomach and curled up, with his eyes shut tight.
El Gran Salchichon nodded back at the ninjas, “OH YEAH! As part of LA GRAN ALIANZA DE LOS NINJAS Y EL SALCHICHON, I defeated HAYATE KERIATO in a REMATCH to become the UNDISPUTED number one contender for the KAKUTOUGI ONE SEKAI CHAMPIONSHIP HEAVYWEIGHT BELT!”
The ninjas started to cheer. DJ Firestarter stumbled away and pointed at El Gran Salchichon. Legorias began to cough uncontrollably again.
As El Gran Salchichon walked back over to Legorias, he said, “KENTETSU NOKYAKU! I hope you’re seein’ this...”
Legorias tried pitifully to resist as El Gran Salchichon knelt down and grabbed Legorias’ hair to lift his face off the ground. Legorias’ mouth was gaping open and his face was covered in dirt and spit, from having writhed around and coughed so much.
As he held Legorias by the hair, El Gran Salchichon said, “KENTETSU NOKYAKU! This is gonna be you when I come for that KAKUTOUGI ONE SEKAI CHAMPIONSHIP HEAVYWEIGHT BELT. Because the SALCHI RACK will get you NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
El Gran Salchichon slammed Legorias’ face back onto the ground and backed away, “OKAY NINJA BROTHERZZZ!! DO YOUR THING!!”
A rain of shurikens came from the trees and penetrated every orifice of Legorias’ body (including the ones between his legs and all the other orifices that are unique to only elves).
As El Gran Salchichon’s theme song began to play again, El Gran Salchichon made the invisible title belt gesture with his hands, indicating where the heavyweight title belt would fit around his waist.
Four cyborg assassins then emerged from the trees and approached DJ Firestarter, “Master, you are wounded.” They helped him keep his balance as he stumbled. One of them ripped his bandana off and mended the wound on his arm.
DJ Firestarter responded, “It was a weak poison, it’s... wearing off. Let’s go. Our friends need us.” He looked towards El Gran Salchichon as El Gran Salchichon exited down a ladder that was in the hole in the ground that he had burst out from, “Thanks, El Gran Salchichon. I owe you one.”
DJ Firestarter tore the arrow out from his shoulder. And then, along with the cyborg assassins and the ninjas, they all scattered and disappeared into the trees.
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