TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Edited by The Funk Mistress
Retribution at Ló Liel
Chapter 4 (Part 1 of 5)
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Morning of July 3rd A.D.
The armies commanded by Brigadier General Kewl Kat, The General, The Field Marshal, and the RIA DJs clashed against the armies commanded by Gandolf, Frodo, Bilbo, and Legorias at the Battle of Lorien.
Early on in this battle, the tank divisions overran Gandolf’s army. In this bloody clash we lost many of our greatest fighters.
But it all be worth it at the end of this battle.
The fighting continues on the night of July 3rd.
___
There was a large white field, soft and protective. Beautiful feathers bent with the wind. They basked in the light. Two figures came from the light, standing far from The Funk Mistress, conversing. Magnificent winged creatures, The Ancients, flocked to them, resting on their shoulders and dancing around them.
The Funk Mistress called out to the the two figures, “DJ Hadoken, DJ Benny?”
A third figure appeared, an old man with a short beard and wearing a toga. The Ancients flew towards The Funk Mistress, rushed passed her. The two figures turned towards The Funk Mistress, and moved like thunderbolts past her.
The old man turned and walked away.
___
“FUNK MISTRESS! TALK TO ME! FUNK MISTRESS!”
DJ Fuji the Man Scout shook The Funk Mistress furiously, he held her tightly. She felt the warm drops of his tears upon her face. She opened her eyes.
“DJ... Fuji?” The Funk Mistress said, weakly.
“FUNK MISTRESS! Are you okay?” DJ Fuji’s eyes widened with hope.
The Funk Mistress began to regain her senses, “I will be once you let go of me. Did I ever give you permission to touch me? You troll!” Then she quickly remembered what had happened. She tried to turn away and realized there was a black robe draped around her, “Where did this come from?”
The Funk Mistress then noticed that DJ Fuji had his hand over his face. “You’re crying,” she said.
DJ Fuji wiped his face, “I’m sorry, Funk Mistress.”
“It’s okay, I’m okay,” The Funk Mistress lifted herself up and stood, keeping the black robe around her.
The Funk Mistress looked around. On the ground lay the mangled body of Gandolf the Flash, with a twisted smile on his face. His five snake sausages were flaccid, with blood gushing forth from the dirty deedex sheathed barriers that were upon them. A shuriken was sticking out of his head, which indicated that one of DJ Firestarter’s ninjas (under orders from The General) must have dealt the final blow.
Her legs weak, The Funk Mistress lost her balance. DJ Fuji caught her. Composing himself, he said, “Let’s go.”
The two of them moved North along the Eastern bank of the Big River of Antydoin. The battle cries of the men of Gombor and the remnants of DJ Fuji’s zombie warriors once again filled the air. The elfish battle songs floated across the river.
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Like solid statues of iron, their armor glistened in the light. Their exposed, powerful arm muscles firm and hard. Their pronounced biceps rippled as they steadied their mighty steeds with their large, rough, commanding hands. The vigorous flesh and tissue of their steeds was as robust and pronounced as their masters’. They surveyed the battlefield with authoritative eyes.
These supreme warriors were none other than two of the mighty commanders of The General’s large army group, BlindPanzer and RockRanger. Behind them there gathered a powerful force whose ranks were filled with the members of all of the heavy metal forums that BlindPanzer and RockRanger frequented. All were mounted on powerful black stallions.
The battlefield was now shifting towards the North of Ló Liel and would soon spread across the Saddest Fields. All was silent as the remnants of the Central-dirt armies from the first battle with DJ Fuji’s army regrouped and reformed ranks, preparing for a new battle.
The elfish army that had been led by Bildo Buggins now joined with the elfish army of Ló Liel. The Salchi-Driven remains of Legorias (son of Thrandorias of Two Faces) and what few ashes of Bildo Buggins that could be recovered (because he had already been thoroughly immolated alive by DJ Firestarter), were ceremonially burned as the elves gathered and wept.
However, the armies of the elves were not in shambles for very long. For during the ceremonies, a mighty hero appeared from among the ranks and assumed control of both of the elfish armies. His name was Clortfingel, a wise and tested elfish warrior that had returned from the fabled land of the West (via the Foggy Harbor) with Bildo Buggins.
The remnants of DJ Fuji’s zombie army were soon completely annihilated by the men of Gombor. However, Gombor was not without casualty, as they had lost the mighty Gandolf the Flash. Unlike the wise elves, the men were greedy and power hungry, as they bickered amongst themselves about who would assume command.
Meanwhile, the two elfish armies marched away from the forest of Ló Liel and organized near the River of Bingers to confront the newly approaching RIAopian armies. They sneered at their human allies.
From the East, across the wasteland that was once Murkyforest, there came the deep roaring of a heavily armed army. Their feet caused the ground to shake and their tongues sang songs that were seldom heard above the land of Central-dirt. Known to never care about the concerns of men or elves, the powerful dwarves had finally emerged from the Smoky Mountains of Erod Mothran to fight alongside the men of Central-dirt once again.
Unlike the Mountains of Bangmar, Mount Cundabed and Mount Wham, near the Eatnboors, The Field Marshal’s army (who had been assigned by Kewl Kat (a.k.a Southern Cowboy) to specifically attack the mountains of Central-dirt), had strategically chosen not to draw out the armies of dwarves lurking within the Smoky Mountains of Erod Mothran. Instead, after R-Day, he had only secured them enough to ensure that DJ Fuji’s army could traverse the mountains safely on their journey to Murkyforest.
A small band of men appeared from the South, displaying banners of none other than Foramimi, son of the former steward of Gombor, Doinhor Junior. These men were some of those who had survived the intense confrontation at Hard’n Deep.
Gombor’s army at Hard’n Deep had begun to pull out after Kewl Kat’s army (with the help of DJ Wang’s army) had won control of Hard’n Deep and most of Westcrack. The leaderless Gombor army at Ló Liel cheered as Foramimi approached through the hills of the Mold.
RockRanger and BlindPanzer began to descend from the mountains, their men quickly following. As more and more warriors appeared (all on horseback) from beyond the Hazy Mountains and out into the Saddest Fields, even the brave dwarves felt a chill in their spines.
For the large army group under the control of The General had been assembled to battle the legions of Morbor, and thus, even the armies of his mighty commanders easily matched the numbers and strength of the elves, the men of Gombor, and the dwarves.
The General’s large army group was also exceptionally structured. Within the approaching darkness of the night, the forces under the control of RockRanger and BlindPanzer quickly organized themselves across the Saddest Fields. Their zealots then quickly surprised the men of Gombor and the elves, seemingly ignoring them as they turned to directly face the dwarves.
Only a small platoon of twenty four warriors separated from the rest to face the elves and the men of Gombor. A powerful black knight in spiked armor with glowing red eyes led them. A cloud of mist surrounded him and his armored horse had one blue eye and one red eye. This was none other than the mighty warrior, Sam Goth.
RockRanger and BlindPanzer roared, their zealots charged at the dwarves. The elves and the men of Gombor charged at the exposed and seemingly vulnerable side of their forces. But Sam Goth charged with his warriors to meet them head-on. However, the elves and men of Gombor were forced to halt their charge as the roar of motorcycles and call bells filled the air above the Hazy Mountains, South of the River of Jerkrods.
These were the armies led by none other than The Woodsman and DinoGirl, two more of the mighty commanders of The General’s large army group. These forces consisted of The Woodsman’s parents’ big chopper style motorcycling friends from across the world, and DinoGirl’s take-out restaurant workers who were skilled in hand-to-hand combat, delivery in thirty minutes or less, and making greasy food.
The elves charged at the forces of The Woodsman and DinoGirl. Foramimi ordered the men of Gombor to divide: half to fight together with the elves, half to fight alongside the dwarves.
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The RIAopian zealots were so vast and so many that it appeared more like a mass exodus, as many portions of this great force appeared to be simply transporting heavy machinery and supplies. And in fact, they were. For The General’s large army group had been assembled to fight the legions of Morbor, and greatly outnumbered the armies of Central-dirt currently on the battlefield.
The General’s large army group outnumbered them so much so that the armies of Central-dirt could not determine which portions were strictly ordered to engage them, and which were simply passing through. The RIAopian zealots had spread like a tidal wave across an expanse stretching from the Saddest Fields to the Southern outskirts of the forest of Ló Liel, and had begun to encircle the armies of Central-dirt.
The elves with the men of Gombor held their ground, as they were encircled by the The General’s large army group. Only the roar of the dwarves with the men of Gombor that were engaged with RockRanger’s and BlindPanzer’s forces in the Saddest Fields filled the air, as they bitterly and proudly mauled each other.
The encircled armies of Central-dirt watched as The General’s large army group quickly set up great siege machines and defensive fortifications around them. It was as if the armies of Central-dirt and the forest of Ló Liel had become imprisoned within a massive fortress of armed RIAopian zealots.
The trembling voice of a dwarf rang like the deep tone of a war drum, “We should have never left the mountains, brothers! We should have never broken our oath, to fight with these miserable humans and withering elves! Now we shall fall with them, imprisoned within the walls of a strange and bewitched fortress!”
However, the scales would once again become balanced, as the reason behind The General’s actions would soon be revealed. As the fortifications and great machines were set up, The General’s large army group organized itself into inner and outer perimeters. His armies turned to face both the outside and inside of their new stronghold. They had not forgotten the elves.
It now became apparent that The General’s large army group was not the only one with the strength to rival that of the legions of Morbor. For through the Hazy Mountains near the Saddest River came the familiar sounds of horns, not those of the lands of RIAopia, but those of the elves.
The mighty army of Ravenballs, which had once engaged the forces of Mouron alongside the men of Central-dirt, now emerged from the Hazy Mountains. They rushed at the Northernmost part of the RIAopian stronghold near the Saddest River, and the imprisoned Central-dirt armies within began to cheer.
From the South came more familiar horns: this time, the mighty battle horns of another army of Gombor. For the entire strength of the remaining armies of Gombor had now gathered and were being led by none other than Adabone, son of Adamone, the heir of Isadbor.
The men of Gombor had brought with them their own mighty siege machines and towers, fully prepared to engage The General’s large army group. The General’s armies advanced outwards and inwards in every direction. Yet they were not surrounded, for behind the elves of Ravenballs came the deep sounds of the thunder of the Wobbly Windows.
Upon hearing of the peril that DJ Fuji and The Funk Mistress were in (from one of DJ Firestarter’s cyborg assassins), The General and DJ Hadoken immediately split their armies and raced as quickly as they could Eastward to aid their friends. Along the way, however, they would have to engage the formidable elfish forces of Ravenballs, who were no doubt awaiting them.
With the support of DJ Hadoken’s army and The Field Marshal’s army (that had been nearby disintegrating the Mountains of Hiccuppin, to the North of the Old Wooded Path), The General’s large army group was able to punch through the forces of Ravenballs and continue moving to the East, while DJ Hadoken’s army and The Field Marshal’s army remained to distract the forces of Ravenballs.
However, the elves are wise and quickly disengaged, pursuing The General’s large army group to Ló Liel. DJ Hadoken’s army and The Field Marshal’s army then pursued them from behind.
And so began the second act of what would later be known in the records of RIAopian history as the “Battle at Ló Liel”.
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