TCOTWAME
The Chronicle of the War Against Central-dirt
Lord of the Rings Parody Fiction &
Dragon Ball Z (Latino) Parody Fiction
Written by DJ Hadoken Exlamparaaghis
Retribution at Ló Liel
Chapter 4 (Part 4 of 5)
The Orcs had emerged from the depths of Mineland through caverns in the Hazy Mountains, near the Dark Lake at Drumroll Valley. They were now preparing to take advantage of the tired and weakened forces of Men, Elves, and Dwarves that had converged at Ló Liel. After that, they intended to crush the foreign RIAopian invaders. They would finally hold Central-dirt in their grasp, after being forced ages ago to live in darkness and exile by their enemies. But there was one problem with their plan: they had underestimated the might of RIA.
The Men of Gombor being led by Foramimi (son of the former steward of Gombor, Doinhor Junior) were the first to engage in combat with the Orcs. Loud horns of Gombor alerted the other armies, friend and foe, of the arrival of the hordes of Orcs.
Our RIA heroes had not expected the Orcs to emerge from hiding until after the Battle at Ló Liel. They had believed that the Orcs had no interest in defending Central-dirt alongside their enemies. The RIAopians stepped outside from The General’s secret wooden command center fort and into the soft and cool white Autumn light that was being emitted from the Moon. They were just South of the Saddest River, looking towards the Hazy Mountains.
The unworldly sound of Orc battle cries and war horns echoed from the Southwest. The General knew that it would not be long before the Orcs engaged the RIAopian armies. DinoGirl, DJ Wang, and The Woodsman would be surrounded on all sides by enemies if the Orc hordes breached the Western walls of RIA’s great city of war and spilled across towards the Big River of Antydoin. There was no time to spare, so DJ Hadoken, DJ Firestarter, The General and Diver Dan decided to leave to help their friends in the Southwest.
The Field Marshal had already left with RIA’s new Inter-Cultural Ambassador and biological weapon, the dark-blue-haired hood rat Elf, Faineth Sícnith (daughter of Thinnien Taíth). They were heading North towards the Saddest River, to set up portable military-grade shopping malls and casinos to distract the Elves of Ravenballs. They were being escorted by one of DJ Firestarter’s cyborg assassins and some of his ninjas.
The Funk Mistress, still not completely recovered from her battle with Gandolf the Flash, stayed behind with DJ Fuji the Man Scout. But as the four departed, The Funk Mistress whispered a spell of protein. DJ Hadoken, DJ Firestarter, The General and Diver Dan were so focused on saving their friends that they did not notice that as they walked, their muscles grew firmer, stronger, and bigger. DJ Fuji was impressed when he noticed that the four had chosen to power walk their way towards the Dark Lake instead of using whatever mode of transportation they had been using until now.
The four power walked undetected through the Saddest Fields. They stopped on a hilltop just outside of the Dark Lake; the Hazy Mountains towered in the distance. DJ Hadoken used his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars to observe the battlefield.
The first thing that DJ Hadoken noticed was that, from their vantage point, they could see that the Men of Gombor and Orcs were engaged in a fierce battle that spanned across both sides of the River of Bingers. The Woodsman’s Big Chopper Style Motorcycle Mounted RIA Zealot Warrior Division had taken positions nearby. The engines of their motorcycles idled as they awaited the inevitable fall of the Men of Gombor before them.
DJ Hadoken next noticed that most of the Orcs had hulking Hulk-Smash like muscular physiques, built like bodybuilders. Their muscles strained against the fabric of the gym t-shirts that they were wearing, which bore a large logo that read “Balrog’s Gym”. Most of the Orcs wielded no weapons besides their beefy fists. Bodies of the Men of Gombor were being launched hundreds of feet (or tens of meters) into the air as they were fiercely clobbered by the Orcs.
Suddenly, a dark mist emanated from the Orc army and filled the sky above the battlefield. And from it came globules of white energy that sprayed down like rain upon the forces of the Men of Gombor. They screamed in agony. Smoke filled the air and obscured the vision of the RIAopians.
DJ Firestarter appeared next to DJ Hadoken, “Papá, puedo sentir un ki maligno.”
DJ Hadoken clenched his fists, “Sí, yo también lo siento. ¿Quién puede ser?”
The globules of white energy continued to rain down upon the Men of Gombor and the clouds of smoke grew thicker and thicker. The Men of Gombor continued to scream in agony. The globules of white energy progressed towards the lines of The Woodsman’s Big Chopper Style Motorcycle Mounted RIA Zealot Warrior Division. They pushed their motorcycles backwards away in fear.
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DJ Hadoken flew into the air and shouted back at DJ Firestarter, “Dile a los soldados que concentren sus ataques en los Orcos. ¡Yo me encargaré de este sujeto!”
DJ Firestarter protested, “¡Pero papá! ¡Déjame pelear también!”
“No, DJ Firestarter. ¡Ahora no es tiempo para estar discutiendo!” DJ Hadoken flew towards the dark mist.
DJ Firestarter called his father in vain, “¡Papá!”
DJ Hadoken brought his palms close together at his side. He gathered glowing energy between them before thrusting them forward, releasing a blast of spiritual energy known as “a hadoken”. “¡Hadoken! ¡Hadoken! ¡Hadoken!” he shouted as he repeated this motion over and over. The hadokens intercepted the enemy’s attacks before they could hit The Woodsman’s Big Chopper Style Motorcycle Mounted RIA Zealot Warrior Division.
DJ Hadoken shouted towards the dark mist, “¿Por qué te escondes? ¡Sal de ahí!”
“¡Jajajaja!” The voice of an embittered old man rang through the air, “Te estuve esperando, ¡RIAopian!”
“¡¿Quién eres?!” DJ Hadoken shouted.
A tall figure emerged from the mist, wearing a long white robe and holding a long white staff. He had a long white beard, long dark black eyelashes and looked like he was made out of at least 300 pounds of pure muscle. His eyes peered at DJ Hadoken, like a hawk eyeing its prey. It was none other than Soreman the Jacked. DJ Hadoken noticed Soreman the Jacked was wearing a fanny pack with the same “Balrog’s Gym” logo that the Orcs had on their gym t-shirts.
“¡Soreman the Jacked!” DJ Hadoken clenched his fists.
Soreman the Jacked was surprised that the RIAopian recognized him. He chuckled, “Aja, me conoces. ¡Estoy sorprendido!”
Soreman the Jacked then noticed DJ Hadoken’s necklace that was adorned with the severed heads of Bobbits (including that of Smellygul’s) that DJ Hadoken had worn when conquering the Shanty Hills. Soreman the Jacked gestured at the necklace and asked, “¿Y qué tú planeas hacer con esas siete cabezas de Bobbit que tienes colgadas del cuello? ¿Quizá estás pensando en pedir un deseo para derrotarme? Te aseguro que eso será inútil.”
The General, who had followed DJ Hadoken, interrupted, “¡Cuidado, maldito! Aquí somos cuatro super guerreros. Y dos de nosotros, DJ Hadoken y DJ Firestarter, ¡han sido elegidos por los propios The Ancients!” DJ Firestarter (who had secretly followed DJ Hadoken, despite being warned not to) and Diver Dan were also nearby.
The General then pointed at Soreman the Jacked and exclaimed, “¡Y tú te encuentras solo!”
Soreman the Jacked responded, “Sí, como tú dices. En este momento parece que mis Orcos están ocupados con esos soldados insectos de Gombor.” And then he glared at The General and asked, “¿Y por qué no cree que tal vez yo estaba anticipando esta situación?”
“¡¿Que?!” The General was confused by Soreman the Jacked’s surprising question.
Soreman the Jacked continued, “¿No se te ocurre pensar que tal vez planeé confrontar a ustedes solo porque estoy seguro de que puedo derrotarlos a los cuatro con mis propias manos?”
The General was irritated and shouted, “¡No digas tonterías, viejo mago! ¡Tu nivel de pelea no puede compararse con el de nosotros cuatro combinados!”
Soreman the Jacked laughed. He realized that he would need to elaborate, “Bueno. Te contaré una historia. Como sabrán, durante un tiempo estuve ocupando la fortaleza de Ivansnard con los Orcos. Pero los Orcos no son buenos inquilinos, y me negué a pagar cualquier renta. Así que los arrendadores (los Crazymen of Funland) nos desalojaron, y todos nos quedamos sin hogar. En ese momento desesperado pedí ayuda a Mouron. Pero él no me ayudó.”
Soreman the Jacked scowled as he recalled how Mouron had ignored his pleas for help, “Desde ese punto, decidí renunciar a mi lealtad a Mouron. Y decidí ir a Mineland a entrenar con los Orcos.”
With his dominant hand, Soreman the Jacked tightly clenched the head of his long white staff, “Y en ese momento decidí que me convertiría en el más poderoso de toda la Central-dirt.” He observed the Orcs fighting fiercely nearby and reminisced, “Entrené con los Orcos en el legendario Balrog’s Gym.”
Soreman the Jacked looked back at the RIAopians and continued, “En Balrog’s Gym, el entrenamiento es tan intenso que es posible entrenar el equivalente de un año en solamente un día.”
Soreman the Jacked sounded pleased, his veins throbbed with excitement, “Y desde cuando fui desalojado de la fortaleza de Ivansnard y fui a Mineland, donde empecé a entrenar con los Orcos en Balrog’s Gym, han pasado unos 300 días.” He then glared at the RIAopians and shouted, “Quiero decir que hasta ahora ¡ESTUVE ENTRENANDO EL EQUIVALENTE DE 300 AÑOS!”
“¡¿QUÉ?! ¡¿300 AÑOS?!” DJ Hadoken could not believe what he just heard.
The General’s eyes widened in astonishment as he realized that he had underestimated the awesome strength of Soreman the Jacked. He cautioned his fellow RIAopians, “¡Ten cuidado, amigos! ¡Este enemigo es muy fuerte!”
Diver Dan felt disappointed in himself, “Rayos. Y yo apena tengo un solo día de entrenamiento desde que yo nací.”
Soreman the Jacked was satisfied now that the RIAopians had finally realized the peril that they were in, “¿Cómo se sienten, RIAopians? ¿Cómo se sienten cuando se dan cuenta de que fueron capaces de cruzar universos y aterrorizar a los habitantes inferiores de Central-dirt, sólo para ser eliminados por las manos de EL DON SOREMAN THE JACKED?”
And then Soreman the Jacked growled, “Y después de eliminar a ustedes insectos, yo derrotaré a Mouron y mostraré a todos que ¡YO SOY EL MÁS PODEROSO DE CENTRAL-DIRT!”
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Soreman the Jacked, looking again at the Orcs fighting the dwindling numbers of the Men of Gombor, commented, “Y los Orcos me ayudarán a gobernar Central-dirt. Aunque sean un poco perezosos y estúpidos... La mayoría de ellos no pudieron concentrarse tanto en el entrenamiento como yo.” Soreman the Jacked smiled, “Pero te puedo asegurar que incluso el más débil de los Orcos tiene al menos 100 años de entrenamiento.”
The RIAopians gasped, knowing the peril that would befall their brethren after the Men of Gombor were completely eliminated by the Orcs. They would have to act quickly and find a way to defeat Soreman the Jacked before it was too late. But with such little time to spare, how would they accomplish this seemingly impossible feat?
Soreman the Jacked noticed the tension on the RIAopians’ faces, “¿Qué les pasa? ¿Tal vez estén tratando de encontrar una manera de derrotarme antes de que los Orcos eliminen a los soldados de Gombor y ataquen a sus pobres compadres?” He smiled, “Cálmense todos. Porque pronto estarán muertos y no necesitarán preocuparse por lo que sucede en este mundo. ¡Estoy seguro de que sólo me tomará tres minutos eliminarlos a ustedes cuatro!”
DJ Hadoken could not comprehend how what Soreman the Jacked had just proposed could even be physically possible, “¡¿Qué?!”
Soreman the Jacked used his dominant hand to rub the shaft of his long white staff, now clearly preparing to follow through with what he just said, “Si, así es. Calculo que me llevará en promedio menos de un minuto eliminar a cada uno de ustedes.”
DJ Hadoken exclaimed, “¡Soreman the Jacked, ya deja de bromear! ¡No le permitiremos herir a RIAopians inocentes!”
Soreman the Jacked began to gently twist his long white staff with his dominant hand. He responded, “Bueno. Les diré que durante 300 años de entrenamiento, descubrí muchas técnicas especiales.”
Soreman the Jacked then started to slowly unzip his fanny pack with his non-dominant hand. He peered at the RIAopians and grinned as he continued, “Ahora quiero mostrarles una técnica que estoy seguro será más que suficiente para disponer de ustedes.”
But then Soreman the Jacked’s hand stopped. A mischievous expression came on his face and he zipped his fanny pack up again. He decided to make the RIAopians a proposition, “Déjame hacerte una proposición. Te permitiré vivir más tiempo si aceptas cambiar el lugar de la pelea.”
“En realidad, la técnica que quiero mostrarles funcionará en cualquier lugar. Pero es más potente cerca del agua. Por eso propongo que cambiemos el lugar de la pelea hasta el borde del Dark Lake.” Soreman the Jack grinned and appealed to them, “Espero que acepten mi propuesta porque sinceramente quiero mostrarles el máximo potencial de mi técnica especial. He entrenado mucho para perfeccionarlo. Y sería un honor para ustedes ser eliminados por él en un lugar donde puede ser el más efectivo.”
DJ Hadoken, confident that he and his fellow RIAopians would be victorious no matter what tricks Soreman the Jacked might pull, accepted the proposition, “Sí, haz lo que quieras. Sólo recuerda que ninguno de tus trucos será lo suficientemente poderoso como para eliminarnos. Al final, el resultado será el mismo. ¡Serás derrotado!”
“Bueno. Como tú dices,” Soreman the Jacked said as he floated up into the air. “Síganme hasta el borde del Dark Lake.” He started to fly through the air towards the edge of the Dark Lake. The RIAopians flew through the air and followed behind him.
The edge of the Dark Lake was located less than 2 miles (about 3.2 kilometers) above the East door of Mineland. It was short and circular like the shape of an axe. The Dark Lake’s shallow water was colored black. Close to the Northern edge of the lake was a statue of a topless Dwarf woman, known as Lady Rock Hard. A long distance across the lake there was a spring with an ordinarily tepid water that acted as the source for the River of Bingers.
Soreman the Jacked landed on some muddy moss next to the water and the RIAopians landed on some dry grass nearby. He grinned as he mockingly thanked them, “Tienen mi profunda gratitud por permitirme cambiar el lugar de la pelea. Ahora que estamos al borde del Dark Lake, podré realizar el máximo potencial de mi técnica especial para eliminarlos.”
DJ Hadoken was not amused, “¡Deja de perder tiempo! ¡Muéstranos tu técnica especial para que podamos seguir adelante con esta pelea!”
Soreman the Jacked smiled, “Muy bien. Te lo mostraré.” Using his dominant hand, he tightened his grip on his long white staff. And with his non-dominant hand, he began to slowly unzip his fanny pack. The RIAopians stood ready for whatever was about to come.
After Soreman the Jacked was done unzipping his fanny pack, the RIAopians gulped in anticipation as he extended his non-dominant hand and stretched out his long boney fingers. He stared at the RIAopians as he used his long tongue to thoroughly lick his fingers, covering them completely in saliva. And then the RIAopians gasped in surprise as he quickly shoved all of those saliva-covered fingers deep into his fanny pack
When Soreman the Jacked pulled his fingers out of his fanny pack, the RIAopians could see that the fingers were now covered by some mysterious powdery protein substance that had caked onto his saliva. He then began to rub his fingers together, scraping the caked protein powder off and sprinkling it into the water of the Dark Lake.
A few moments later, the color of the water of the Dark Lake changed from black to purple. Diver Dan was astounded by how such a small amount of protein powder mixed with saliva could be potent enough to spread across the Dark Lake so quickly, “¡¿Qué marca de proteína es ésa?!”
And soon after, the creatures that inhabited the Dark Lake began to suffer the deadly effects of this strange mixture of protein. Fish blub-blubbed in agony and began to jump out of the strange protein water. They flopped themselves onto the land in a desperate attempt to escape. Frogs ribbitted in torment and also tried to escape, but died after only a few hops.
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The General urged Diver Dan to remain focused, “No te preocupes por eso, Diver Dan. No podemos distraernos ahora. ¡Primero derrotaremos a este maldito Soreman the Jacked!” DJ Hadoken agreed with The General that now was not the time to be wondering about why DJ Wang had not poisoned the water supply. But he was also frustrated because hardly anything was proceeding according to the plan.
Nearby, seven Orcs, that had just clobbered some Men of Gombor nearby, began to grunt and sniff the air furiously. They gathered around the Dark Lake, attracted by the harrowingly putrid stench that was now being exuded by the mixture of strange protein water and death that was overwhelming the vicinity.
The seven Orcs were wearing satchels from which they pulled out large plastic protein drink tumblers that bore the same “Balrog’s Gym” logo that was on their gym t-shirts. They threw the lids of the tumblers away before kneeling down and scooping up the strange protein water. They furiously chugged the strange protein water down. When they were done chugging, they repeatedly scooped up and chugged more and more. They were chugging it down so furiously that some of it spilled out of their mouths and dripped onto their chests.
“¡Mira cómo toman la proteína!” Diver Dan was shocked by the barbarity of the Orcs. The foul stench of the strange protein water and the dead creatures floating in it did not disturb them at the least.
Soreman the Jacked laughed, “¡Jajaja! ¿Por qué no toman un poco también? ¡Sí! Si todos hicieran eso, ¡ciertamente serían eliminados aún más rápido de lo que esperaba! ¡Jajaja!”
When the seven Orcs had stopped gulping down the strange protein water and it seemed as if they had thoroughly quenched their immense thirst for nutrition, they began to gather behind Soreman the Jacked and faced menacingly towards the RIAopians.
Soreman the Jacked then whispered something. The RIAopians couldn’t make out what he had whispered, but it sounded kind of offensive. And then from out of the strange protein water of the Dark Lake, seven massive muscular horses emerged. They were soaking wet and neighing furiously. The seven Orcs mounted them without hesitation. It was as if they had trained for this many times before.
Soreman the Jacked then whispered something else that sounded offensive. And then, in an instant, the massive muscular horses and Orcs were completely covered in armor. But although the Orcs and horses were completely covered in armor, to the RIAopians’ surprise they were not wielding any swords or shields, but instead had what appeared to be long thick whips with suction cup-like appendages at that end of them.
“¡Este será tu fin, RIAopians!” Soreman the Jacked raised his long white staff and floated up into the air. The Orcs brandished their long thick whips. The RIAopians prepared themselves for combat. Soreman the Jacked then pointed his long white staff at the RIAopians and shouted, “¡Ahora prepárense para morir!”
“¡La técnica especial de Soreman the Jacked!
¡MA DOU KISHI DAN!”
The RIAopians braced themselves for the impending onslaught of the seven Orcs on horseback. The Orcs began to rush past Soreman the Jacked towards them, but suddenly stopped in mid-gallop when they were surprised by the tremendous roar of a tactical fighter jet.
The tactical fighter jet was descending directly towards their location at the Dark Lake. This was no doubt an attempt by Kewl Kat’s 111st, 114th and 120th Airborne Divisions to eliminate Soreman the Jacked.
Soreman the Jacked (who was still floating in mid-air) turned to face the oncoming tactical fighter jet. Globules of white energy sprayed out from his long his white staff, and more sprayed out from his eyes and mouth. The globules raced through the sky and struck the tactical fighter jet. The spray had been so quick and intense that even an ace fighter pilot could not have evaded it.
The tactical fighter jet burst into flames and quickly began to nosedive. It left behind a long trail of smoke just before it crashed into the strange protein water of the Dark Lake.
DJ Hadoken was outraged, “¡Soreman the Jacked, eres un cobarde! ¡No te diré otra vez que dejes de lastimar a RIAopians inocentes!” And then he shouted back towards the other RIAopians, “¡No se metan en esto, amigos! ¡Yo pelearé con este cobarde!”
The air around DJ Hadoken glowed brightly as he accumulated all of his energy and flew towards Soreman the Jacked. But he was forced to stop when the Orcs on horseback began to attack him with their long thick whips. DJ Hadoken was trying his best to evade the whips, but suddenly felt as if he was being electrocuted. A suction cup-like appendage from one of the long thick whips had attached itself to DJ Hadoken’s arm.
DJ Hadoken yanked the suction cup-like appendage off of his arm and breathed heavily. The Orcs on horseback had now started to fly with their horses. They surrounded DJ Hadoken from every direction and were furiously trying to whip him again and again. DJ Hadoken was successfully evading their attacks, but was growing more and more tired. The flying horses were neighing crazily.
The General, who was observing the battle from the ground, commented to the other RIAopians, “El nivel de poder de los Orcos es sorprendente. No hay duda de que han estado entrenando intensamente durante casi 100 años, como dijo Soreman the Jacked.”
Even DJ Firestarter was impressed, “Hasta sus caballos saben volar. Es impresionante.”
But Diver Dan was starting to worry, “Parece que DJ Hadoken se está agotando tratando de evitar ser golpeado por esos azotes. ¿Cuánto tiempo podrá continuar así?”
The General tried to reassure Diver Dan, “No te preocupes, Diver Dan. DJ Hadoken es un super guerrero elegido por los propios The Ancients. No puede ser derrotado fácilmente por unos Orcos estúpidos.”
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DJ Hadoken realized that he could not keep evading the long thick whips forever. He began to deflect the strikes with his arms and legs, taking care to avoid the suction cup-like appendages. As he deflected the attacks, he closed in on his first Orc target. He kicked its horse in the neck and then punched through the faceplate of the Orc’s helmet, forcing it to fall off its disorientated horse and tumble to the ground.
DJ Hadoken had briefly lost track of the other long thick whips when he struck his target. He felt a shock, and then another, as two suction cup-like appendages attached themselves to the sides of his torso. The shock was so intense that he felt as if he had been caught in some high voltage powerlines. His vision blurred, but he was able to yank them off before losing consciousness.
DJ Hadoken was sweating profusely and breathing heavily. Maybe it was an after effect of the strong jolt he had just endured, but it seemed as if the Orcs and their horses had grown larger. He heard some loud grunting close behind him. He quickly turned around and noticed that the Orc he had just punched was back on its horse. It was grinning, and it too looked even larger than before.
Soreman the Jacked shouted, “Sí, DJ Hadoken, así es. Mientras peleas con ellos, ¡ellos seguirán robando tu energía!” He then started laughing, “¡Y si no peleas, morirás! ¡Jajaja!”
DJ Hadoken now understood what the suction cup-like appendages at the end of the long thick whips were for. His exhaustion was not causing him to hallucinate. The Orcs and their horses were indeed growing stronger each time the appendages touched him. They were stealing his energy. He clenched his fists and shouted in frustration, “¡Rayos! ¡Eres un tramposo!”
The General tried to encourage DJ Hadoken, “¡DJ Hadoken! ¡Aumenta tu poder y despacha rápidamente con ellos! ¡No te olvides que son no más que Orcos estúpidos!”
DJ Hadoken knew that The General was right. He could not waste any more time with these stupid Orcs. As Mega Man X would say, it was time to get serious. The air around him began to glow as he focused his energy for his next move. And then he targeted the same Orc that he had attacked before, this time punching its chest and shattering its armor, causing it to tumble from its horse yet again.
Before the other Orcs could commence another volley of whippings, DJ Hadoken quickly rushed towards another one of them. After diving downwards, he uppercutted its horse and then kicked the Orc, sending the horse and its Orc rider toppling to the ground.
Another Orc then tried to rush at him, it made its horse float up onto its hind legs as it prepared to strike. But before it could strike, DJ Hadoken punched the horse in its stomach. He then turned around and grabbed onto its front legs, pulling it down and holding on as he rapidly spun vertically. He spun the horse and its Orc rider around several times before letting go and allowing the momentum to hurtle the horse and the Orc towards the ground. A large cloud of dust and debris was blown out from the impact crater.
But DJ Hadoken knew that a few bumps would not be enough to eliminate these Orcs. He needed a more efficient strategy. He counted the Orcs. Seven. He realized that there were just as many Orcs as there were heads of Bobbits attached to the necklace he was wearing. “Excelente,” he whispered to himself.
DJ Hadoken allowed the Orcs to surround him again. His senses became sharper as he concentrated and accumulated more energy. The air around him glowed brighter. He knew that he would need to react quickly and accurately if his plan was to succeed. There was no more room for failure.
The horses neighed and the Orcs grunted as they lifted their long thick whips. They began to furiously whip at DJ Hadoken again, but this time he was easily evading their strikes. And before anybody else noticed, DJ Hadoken’s plan had already succeeded.
The Orcs’ long thick whips suddenly became flaccid and drooped towards the ground. At the end of each of the long thick whips, lodged deep within each of the suction cup-like appendages, was the severed head of a miserable Bobbit. DJ Hadoken had been able to quickly and discretely shove the Bobbit heads up each of the appendages while he evaded being whipped.
Unlike the great power within all RIAopians, Bobbits embodied nothing more than feeble weakness. The suction cup-like appendages were now sucking and absorbing a feeble weakness that was so overwhelming that the Orcs’ arm muscles shrank in size, completely losing the strength to lift their long thick whips. The Orcs and horses became so weak that they lost their ability to fly, and soon dropped towards the ground.
By the time the Orcs and horses hit the ground, they were so weak that they could barely scream or neigh as their bodies broke apart and withered away.
DJ Hadoken knew there was not a moment to spare. He moved so quickly that it was as if he had teleported, disappearing and then reappearing directly in front of Soreman the Jacked. Soreman the Jacked was in disbelief, as he had not expected DJ Hadoken to survive his special technique of Ma Dou Kishi Dan.
As they floated in mid-air, DJ Hadoken and Soreman the Jacked’s eyes met for an instant. And Soreman the Jacked’s eyes were open wide, because he knew that he had been caught off guard. DJ Hadoken took advantage of this moment and went down, pulling Soreman the Jacked by the ankles towards the ground at a tremendous velocity.
Near the statue of the topless Dwarf woman, Lady Rockhard, dirt and debris were blown out from the crater that was formed where they impacted. DJ Hadoken wasted no time. He kicked Soreman the Jacked, who was still laying prostrate, sending him up into the air again. DJ Hadoken then flew up and punched Soreman the Jacked a few times before tackling him from behind. When he tackled him, he grabbed Soreman the Jacked’s back with one hand and grabbed Soreman the Jacked’s hair with the other.
DJ Hadoken pushed Soreman the Jacked down towards the ground again at high speed, this time impacting directly with the statue of Lady Rockhard. But the statue of Lady Rockhard, true to her name, stood undamaged and unmoved. This was because the statue of Lady Rockhard was made out of the most powerful material in all of Central-dirt, Bigthril, which had been recycled from melted Dwarf vibrators.
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“¡¿Que?!” DJ Hadoken exclaimed. He let go of Soreman the Jacked and backed away. To his surprise, Soreman the Jacked did not topple to the ground when he let go, but instead remained perfectly still, with his face just above Lady Rockhard’s chest. Soreman the Jacked then laughed and stood up straight. He turned around and faced DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken noticed that there was not even a single scratch on Soreman the Jacked’s face. “¡¿Que?! ¡Esto no puede ser!” DJ Hadoken exclaimed. Soreman the Jacked smiled, “Eso no me dolió, ni un poquito. De hecho, me hizo cosquillas.”
Soreman the Jacked continued, “Pero admito que me atacaste con la guardia baja.” He growled and clenched his fist, “¡Tuviste suerte de haber podido evitar mi técnica especial de Ma Dou Kishi Dan con esas siete miserables cabezas de Bobbit!” He firmly gripped his long white staff (which he had been holding this entire time) as he said, “Pero ese poder tuyo tan bajo y tus pequeños trucos no serán suficientes para derrotarme.”
Before DJ Hadoken could react, Soreman the Jacked rushed forward and thrusted his long white staff at him. He moved so quickly that his attack was like a blur as he rammed, pistoned, and jack hammered DJ Hadoken’s body with his long white staff. “¡Oooof!” was the only sound DJ Hadoken could make as he received Soreman the Jacked’s onslaught.
When Soreman the Jacked was satisfied, he stopped his attack and let the injured DJ Hadoken topple to the ground. “¿Qué pasa? Sospecho que hay más poder en ti. ¿Por qué te contienes?” He taunted DJ Hadoken as DJ Hadoken lay panting on the ground. Soreman the Jacked laughed as floated up into the air. He continued to taunt DJ Hadoken as he floated backwards towards the strange protein water of the Dark Lake, “¡Jajaja! Si no me muestras tu máximo poder, ¡seguramente no podrás sobrevivir a mi próximo ataque!”
Soreman the Jacked stopped just above the surface of the strange protein water of the Dark Lake. He looked around as if he was searching for something hidden beneath the surface. And then he dove down into the water and disappeared for a few moments.
There were large undulations on the water just before Soreman the Jacked emerged again. As he emerged, the RIAopians noticed that he was pulling the downed tactical fighter jet (that had sank after it crashed into the Dark Lake) up by its empennage.
Soreman the Jacked continued to float upwards, pulling the downed tactical fighter jet until it had completely emerged from the strange protein water. And then he let go out of it, but to the RIAopians’ surprise, it did not fall but instead remained suspended in mid-air. Diver Dan exclaimed, “¡Soreman the Jacked está usando su magia para mantener el avión de combate táctico suspendido en el aire!”
DJ Hadoken had regained his composure after receiving Soreman the Jacked’s previous attack. He stood up, slightly disheveled and crouching forward, with his right arm across his chest grabbing his shoulder. He shouted at Soreman the Jacked, “¡Eres un cobarde!”
But Soreman the Jacked paid little attention to DJ Hadoken because he was too busy admiring his new toy. He floated around the tactical fighter jet and passed his hand over it. There were holes where Soreman’s the Jacked globules of white energy had impacted with it earlier. And parts of its surface were badly charred from when it had subsequently caught fire. It was obviously in no state to ever fly again without the assistance of Soreman the Jacked’s magic.
“Así que ésta es una de las bestias de metal que sus ejércitos utilizan para aterrorizar a los miserables habitantes de Central-dirt.” Soreman the Jacked said as he looked closer at it. “Sí. Obviamente es muy poderoso y capaz de mucha destrucción. Lástima que haya sido muy lento para esquivar mi ataque.”
And then Soreman the Jacked put his face up close to the canopy and tried to see what was inside the cockpit. “¡Vaya! ¡Mira esto! ¡Hay alguien dentro de aquí!” He started to tap at the canopy with his long white staff.
DJ Firestarter muttered, “¡Rayos!” The RIAopians knew that this was not going to be good news for them.
“¿Por qué no sales de ahí?” Soreman the Jacked tapped the canopy some more and laughed. “¡Jajaja! ¿Tienes miedo de salir?” He then stopped tapping the canopy and floated away a small distance, “Parece que no eres capaz. O no estás dispuesto a salir. ¡Déjame ayudarte!” Soreman the Jacked then gripped the canopy and tore it completely off. He tossed it away and it fell into the strange protein water of the Dark Lake.
Soreman the Jacked then reached inside the cockpit and pulled out the motionless body of none other than Beowulf. He was laughing as he held Beowulf’s body up, dangling him by the straps of his G-Suit, for all the other RIAopians to see.
When The General noticed it was Beowulf, he shouted, “¡Es Beowulf!”
DJ Hadoken clenched his fists, angry that he had not been able to protect his friend. He shouted at Soreman the Jacked, “¡No te lo perdonaremos, Soreman the Jacked!”
Soreman the Jacked then nonchalantly commented, “Esta hormiga es completamente inútil.” He let go of Beowulf and let him plummet into the water of the Dark Lake.
The General then growled and shouted at Soreman the Jacked, “¡Maldito Soreman the Jacked! Por dañar a RIAopians inocentes, ¡serás declarado criminal de guerra por las fuerzas armadas de RIAopia!”
Soreman the Jacked had not paid any attention to what The General had shouted because he had climbed into the cockpit and was busy inspecting the numerous buttons, sensors, switches, dials and levers inside. He stroked his beard in fascination, “Ya veo. Ya veo. La bestia de metal está llena de muchos artefactos extraños.” He pulled a lever to adjust the rudder pedals, pushing them a little further to accommodate for his long legs. He lifted his white robe a little so that he could stretch his legs and put his feet on the pedals.
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The General suddenly realized what Soreman the Jacked was trying to do. His eyes widened with fear, because he knew that the tactical fighter jet must have been fully loaded with weapons that had been intended to be used to eliminate Soreman the Jacked. But maybe Soreman the Jacked had not yet realized that much, so The General, attempting to dissuade him, shouted, “¡Deja de esconderte ahí, cobarde! ¡Ya no funciona! ¡Sal de ahí y pelea!”
But Soreman the Jacked ignored The General again. Instead, he shouted towards DJ Hadoken, “DJ Hadoken, creo que has tenido suficiente tiempo para recuperarte de mi ataque. ¿Por qué no continuamos nuestra pelea?”
DJ Hadoken, who had the same realization as The General, shouted back at Soreman the Jacked, “¡Eres un cobarde, Soreman the Jacked! ¡Si no sales de ahí, te sacaré yo mismo!”
Soreman the Jacked then began to unzip his fanny pack with his non-dominant hand. “Eso sería imposible para ti. Pronto aprenderás que todos tus esfuerzos son inútiles contra mí.” After he was done unzipping his fanny pack, he slipped his fingers in through the opening and they fidgeted and squirmed around inside before pulling out sixteen Carnis. Carnis were small silver coins worth one-fourth of a Qautar, the official currency of Gombor.
Soreman the Jacked laughed as he began to insert one Carni after another into the orange-colored coin mechanism that was located next to the ADI (attitude directional indicator) in front of him. “Como dije. ¡Vas a tener que usar tu máximo poder si quieres tener alguna esperanza de derrotarme!” As he inserted the sixteenth Carni, he exclaimed, “¡Pero te aseguro que ni siquiera tu máximo poder puede compararse con el mío!”
The JFS (jet fuel starter) of the fighter jet then sprang to life and began to power the engines. The internal systems including the cockpit displays, GPS and radars, became operational again. The cockpit computer alerted Soreman the Jacked, “READY!”
Soon the turbines of the jet engines were turning at nearly 100% RPM with air flowing over the compressor blades, but Soreman the Jacked’s magic kept the tactical fighter jet completely motionless, suspended in mid-air. He used his magic to rotate the tactical fighter jet so that it faced directly towards DJ Hadoken. DJ Hadoken exclaimed, “¡Rayos!” just as Soreman the Jacked used his finger to rub a notch on his long white staff that caused the tactical fighter jet’s machine gun to fire off hundreds of rounds of 20 millimeter ammunition at DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken did not have enough time to evade the gunfire, so instead he crossed his arms out in front of himself and deflected them with his energy; the air in front of his arms glowed intensely. He stood his ground but was pushed back slightly by the force of the gunfire.
Meanwhile, inside of the cockpit of the tactical fighter jet, Soreman the Jacked laughed maniacally as his finger rubbed the notch on his long white staff. And then the cockpit computer alerted Soreman the Jacked, “BEEP! FIRE!”
Suddenly, DJ Hadoken heard DJ Firestarter shout, “¡Cuidado, papá!” which alerted him that a Sidewinder missile was heading right towards him. He was able to fly upwards and evade it just before it reached him. It exploded when it was struck from the tactical fighter jet’s own machine gun fire.
Soreman the Jacked was annoyed, “¡Malditos RIAopians! ¡Me estás molestando!” He rotated the jet towards where The General, DJ Firestarter and Diver Dan were standing. The cockpit computer alerted Soreman the Jacked again, “BEEP! FIRE!”
The General shouted, “¡Huyan, amigos!” Just as Soreman the Jacked started to fire Sidewinder missiles at them. The three RIAopians quickly flew up into the air and scattered.
Determined to not let them escape, Soreman the Jacked ripped the safety wire off of a switch that was to the side of the cockpit, labeled “VMAX”, and turned it on. The engines burned hotter and provided the necessary thrust to chase after the RIAopians as he went full throttle.
The afterburner blazed as the tactical fighter jet accelerated from a stationary position to nearly Mach 3 in an instant. Since there was no canopy left on the tactical fighter jet, Soreman the Jacked’s long white hair blew freely in the wind. Elated by the fresh air, he commented, “¡Que fresquito!” but not even he could hear himself because he had already broken the sound barrier.
The ensuing “mandog fight” would take place about 20,000 feet (or 6,000 meters) in the air above the Dark Lake at mostly supersonic speeds. A “mandog fight” is when a tactical fighter jet engages in combat with flying humans.
Soreman the Jacked, flying at Mach 3 in the tactical fighter jet, seemed to be having no problem pursuing the flying RIAopians. Together with DJ Hadoken, the RIAopians began to fly in the human equivalent of a Finger Four formation just before attempting the human equivalent of a Thach Weave against Soreman the Jacked.
But the RIAopians were unable to pull off any effective counterattack, because if they came too near to the tactical fighter jet, Soreman the Jacked would shoot globules of white energy out from his eyes and mouth at them.
The tactical fighter jet seemingly had an endless supply of ammunition. Clouds of smoke from the explosions of Sidewinder missiles filled the air. Nobody heard Soreman the Jacked joyously exclaim, “¿Por qué huyen? ¡Ven a jugar conmigo!” Soreman the Jacked could not hear the cockpit computer as it crazily alerted him, “BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!”
The RIAopians frantically jettisoned flares of glowing energy out from their bodies to confuse the Sidewinder missiles that locked onto them. Diver Dan, who had not trained as much as the other RIAopians, started to get tired. And as he was attempting the human equivalent of a Split-S maneuver to evade one Sidewinder missile, he was hit directly by a second one. It exploded and nobody heard him cry out “¡Aagh!” as he tumbled thousands upon thousands of feet (or hundreds upon hundreds of meters) towards the ground. A crater was formed from the impact that blew out a cloud of debris that rose up into the air.
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From the air thousands of feet (or hundreds of meters) above, the three RIAopians used their RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars to desperately observe the cloud of debris above the impact crater. They hoped to spot any sign of life as it cleared. And soon they observed that although Diver Dan was laying on the ground and slightly injured, he was lifting his fist into the air with his thumb up, indicating that he was okay.
Obviously, a measly Sidewinder missile is not enough to defeat a true
RIAopian. Yes,
DJ Benvenuto the Raccoon
and
Guy the Manager
were indeed dastardly deeded by arrows shot by Foramimi (son of the former
steward of Gombor, Doinhor Junior)’s army at the foot of the Frosty
Mountains, near
Hard’n Deep, but that does not make them any less RIAopian than Diver Dan. Remember,
those were well-placed arrows that were necessary to advance the plot and,
plus, at the time they were not under the protection of The Funk Mistress’s
spell of protein, as our RIA heroes are now.
Now that they had confirmed that Diver Dan was okay, the flying RIAopians re-focused their attention on the “mandog fight”. The General and DJ Firestarter were currently flying in the human equivalent of a Loose Deuce formation, with DJ Firestarter in the perch, leading. DJ Hadoken was separated from them, and with Diver Dan incapacitated at the moment, DJ Hadoken had nobody who could act as his wingman.
DJ Hadoken crossed his arms as he deflected more machine gun fire from Soreman the Jacked’s tactical fighter jet. “¡Rayos!” nobody heard him exclaim.
Nobody heard Soreman the Jacked shout, “¡Ahora te tengo, DJ Hadoken!” just before he stopped the tactical fighter jet in mid-air, just a few miles (over 1.6 kilometers) within visual range of DJ Hadoken.
No longer moving at supersonic speed, this time Soreman the Jacked was able to hear the cockpit computer as it alerted him, “BEEP! FIRE!”. Soreman the Jacked launched another Sidewinder missile directly towards DJ Hadoken. He then re-engaged the afterburner and accelerated to nearly Mach 3 again in an instant.
The tactical fighter jet, thanks to Soreman the Jacked’s magic, was able to make air combat maneuvers that would normally be physically impossible for an aircraft. Soreman the Jacked’s constant aggressiveness kept him on the RIAopians’ rears without allowing them to do the same.
As the Sidewinder missile closed in on him, DJ Hadoken thought to himself, “Ahora ya sé lo que voy a hacer. Utilizaré la técnica del ‘Hineri-Komi’ que aprendí cuando participé en el programa de estudios en el extranjero en Japón.” DJ Hadoken started to climb steeply into a half loop, “Usaré el ‘Hineri-Komi’ para esquivar este misil Sidewinder y ponerme detrás de Soreman the Jacked.” He flapped his arms a little to achieve the human equivalent of a “side slip” aerodynamic state, which was necessary to execute the Hineri-Komi maneuver.
Soreman the Jacked did not hear the cockpit computer alert him, “THE ENEMY! 3 O’CLOCK! BREAK LEFT! BREAK LEFT!” Instead, he noticed a radar warning alert flickering on the multi-function display pad in the cockpit. The VSD (vertical situation display) next to the pad indicated to him from where DJ Hadoken was approaching. He turned his head in that direction and sprayed globules of white energy out from his eyes and mouth. DJ Hadoken was forced to abort the Hineri-Komi maneuver and instead use the human equivalent of an Immelmann Turn to evade Soreman the Jacked’s counterattack.
The General, who was still in the human equivalent of a Loose Deuce formation with DJ Firestarter within visual range miles (over 1.6 kilometers) away, had been observing this exchange through his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars. He noticed the flickering displays inside of the canopy-less exposed cockpit of the tactical fighter jet. “¡Ah!” Nobody heard the The General exclaim as he instantly had a realization and knew exactly what must be done.
The General flew towards DJ Firestarter and put one hand on DJ Firestarter’s shoulder. DJ Firestarter didn’t hear The General say, “¡Déjame hablar con DJ Hadoken, por favor!”
At the moment, DJ Hadoken was dodging more globules of white energy. Suddenly, he heard a voice in his head, “¿DJ Hadoken, me escuchas? ¡Soy yo, The General!”
“¡DJ Hadoken!” The General projected loudly, “¡DJ Hadoken!”
DJ Hadoken looked around in confusion, “¡¿Qué?!” The General thought loudly, “¡Contéstame, DJ Hadoken! ¡Soy yo, The General!”
“¿The General? ¿En dónde estás, The General?” DJ Hadoken imagined a response.
“¡Estoy hablando adentro tu cabeza con ayuda de DJ Firestarter!” The General explained telepathically. DJ Firestarter made a raptor call that nobody heard. The General continued to imagine, “¡Escúchame! ¡Esconde tu ki! En la primera oportunidad que tengas, ¡esconde tu ki!” DJ Hadoken was mentally startled by this, “¡¿Qué?!”
The General telepathically elaborated, “Si escondes tu ki, Soreman the Jacked no podrá encontrarte con el radar del avión de combate táctico.” DJ Hadoken reacted mentally, “¡Oh!”
The General focused on his explanation, “Al hacer eso, los misiles Sidewinder serán inútiles y podrás llevar a cabo un contraataque contra él.” Nobody could see that DJ Hadoken’s mouth opened and eyes widened in astonishment, “¡Es verdad, The General! ¡No había pensado en eso!” he imagined excitedly.
The General concentrated, “Y ahora te diré, lo que tienes que hacer después de eso.”
DJ Hadoken thought perplexingly, “¡¿Qué?!”
The General thought deeply, “Después de esconder tu ki... Te pido que le des una paliza. ¡Dale una paliza tan fuerte que el próximo aspirante a Soreman the Jacked lo sentirá! ¡¿Entendido, DJ Hadoken?!”
DJ Hadoken nodded and thought, “¡Sí, está bien, The General!”
The General was pleased, “Cuento contigo. Haz lo que quieras con lo que queda del avión de combate táctico.”
DJ Hadoken promptly hid his ki and thought, “Dentro de muy poco le daré una paliza a Soreman the Jacked...” The General and DJ Firestarter also hid their ki’s. And then they all flew as fast as they could beyond visual range of Soreman the Jacked’s tactical fighter jet.
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Soreman the Jacked stopped the tactical fighter jet in mid-air again. He carefully pulled out his long white staff that he had jammed down the hole where the stick had been. He then floated up out of the cockpit, grinning. He began to rub his fanny pack and whispered something that might have sounded offensive if anybody were close enough to hear him.
The fanny pack began to move as if it were alive. Soreman the Jacked unbuckled it and dangled it from his non-dominant hand. “¡Ngnyah! ¡Ngnyaah! ¡Mingmya! ¡Nyaah! ¡Nyaah! ¡Quiero tocar algo! ¡Quiero tocar algo! ¡Ngngaaah!” The fanny pack exclaimed as it dangled crazily from Soreman the Jacked’s non-dominant hand.
“Sí. De pronto podrás tocar a alguien muy especial,” Soreman the Jacked reassured the fanny pack.
“¡Mnyanyanya! ¡Lo quiero tocar! ¡Lo quiero tocar! ¡Yayayaya!” The fanny pack cried out in anticipation.
Soreman the Jacked let go of the fanny pack, which started to hover up and down excitedly in front of him. Soreman the Jacked then instructed the fanny pack, “Ssh... Quédate callado y ve a esconderte. No queremos estropear la sorpresa para la persona muy especial.” The fanny pack responded quietly, “Nyahnyahnyah...”
“Cuando llegue el momento, ¡dale un fuerte abrazo a esa persona tan especial!” Soreman the Jacked further instructed the fanny pack as it found a place to hide inside of the cockpit of the tactical fighter jet. “Mngmngyaah... Quiero tocar... quiero tocar...” the fanny pack said quietly as it squeezed itself through the air conditioner vent that was just in front of the gaping hole where the stick used to be.
Soreman the Jacked grinned as he floated just beside the tactical fighter jet. But then the grin turned into a twisted expression of excruciating pain as DJ Hadoken flew up from beneath Soreman the Jacked’s feet and uppercutted him through his long white robe and into his groin.
“¡Uwaaaaah!” Soreman the Jacked cried out as his eyes bulged and he keeled over. DJ Hadoken wasted no time and delivered a swift axe kick to the back of Soreman the Jacked’s head. DJ Hadoken then grabbed Soreman the Jacked by the hair and yanked his head back. He took out his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars and repeatedly smashed them into Soreman the Jacked’s skull and raked them across Soreman the Jacked’s face.
After he was done to hammering away at Soreman the Jacked’s skull with his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars, DJ Hadoken pushed Soreman the Jacked’s head forward so hard that his chin burrowed into his chest and his face almost completely disappeared into his own beard. As Soreman the Jacked toppled over in agony, DJ Hadoken grabbed him by the ankles. “¡Yaaaah!” DJ Hadoken growled as he violently flapped Soreman the Jacked as if he was airing out some filthy old blanket in somebody else’s backyard.
“¡Uwah! ¡Uwah! ¡Uwah!” Soreman the Jacked cried out. He flailed around helplessly as DJ Hadoken thoroughly flapped him. DJ Hadoken gave Soreman the Jacked one last strong flap before releasing him and sending him hurtling downwards.
But DJ Hadoken knew from the beginning that this surprise attack would not be enough to incapacitate Soreman the Jacked. He just needed to make time for his next move. He brought his palms close together at his side and began to gather glowing energy between them.
“Haaa...”
As DJ Hadoken gathered energy, he focused intently on his target, Soreman the
Jacked.
“Dooo...”
“¡TE QUIERO TOCAR! ¡MYAMYAMYAMYAAAH!” Soreman the Jacked’s fanny pack wrapped itself tightly around DJ Hadoken’s neck. It had crawled out unnoticed from the tactical fighter jet’s pitot tube while DJ Hadoken had been focused on Soreman the Jacked.
“¡Agh!” DJ Hadoken cried out as his concentration was broken and the glowing energy was released from his hands. Now he was using his hands to grasp at the fanny pack in defense. DJ Hadoken growled in frustration.
Soreman the Jacked had stopped falling and was now floating back up towards DJ Hadoken. Although clearly disheveled, he taunted DJ Hadoken, “¿Has olvidado que pasé el equivalente a 300 años entrenando en el legendario Balrog’s Gym? ¿Y que dije que estoy listo para derrotar a Mouron y demostrar a todos que yo soy el más poderoso de toda la Central-dirt?” His dominant hand was gripping onto his long white staff, slightly shaking. But Soreman the Jacked was not deterred, “Si no peleas con tu máximo poder, ¡nunca me derrotarás!”
“¡Soreman... the... Jacked... Eres... un... tramposo!” DJ Hadoken muttered loudly as he struggled with the fanny pack that was wrapped around his neck. “¡Myangh! ¡Myangh! ¡Myangh!” It exclaimed as it squirmed around and resisted DJ Hadoken’s attempts at removing it.
Soreman the Jacked shouted, “Ahora te mostraré otra técnica especial. ¡Y te aseguro que éste será el comienzo del fin para ti!” He gripped his long white staff with both his hands.
“¡Con esta técnica especial no podrás moverte!
¡EL KANA SHIBARI!”
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On the way, they maintained the human equivalent of a Loose Deuce formation, with DJ Firestarter in the perch, leading. But they soon realized that the Loose Deuce formation was no longer necessary, because the “mandog fight” was apparently over. They observed through their RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars that Soreman the Jacked was outside of the tactical fighter jet, hovering alongside it several hundreds of feet (or tens of meters) in the air above the impact crater where DJ Hadoken had fallen.
Diver Dan soon rejoined DJ Firestarter and The General. The three would continue to use their RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars to observe from a vantage point nearby, but would not interfere, as DJ Hadoken had requested before the battle began. Diver Dan was frustrated, “¡Rayos! ¡Parece que Soreman the Jacked ha usado algún tipo de truco contra DJ Hadoken!”
DJ Hadoken was laying face upwards at the bottom of the impact crater. He could still breathe, although the fanny pack was wrapped tightly around his neck. “Myaaah. Myaaaaah,” the fanny pack sighed in euphoria. DJ Hadoken could move his eyes, growl and wiggle his head a little, but he could not move his arms or legs. He watched in frustration as Soreman the Jacked hovered hundreds of feet (or tens of meters) in the air above him, alongside the tactical fighter jet.
Soreman the Jacked taunted DJ Hadoken, “¿Por qué te esfuerzas? Sé que tú y los otros RIAopians han estado escondiendo sus máximos poderes.” He stroked the empennage of the tactical fighter jet with his non-dominant hand, “Puedo asegurarte que si no revelas tu máximo poder, ¡no podrás sobrevivir a mi técnica especial de El Kana Shibari!”
In case you were wondering, an empennage is the entire tail assembly of an
airplane that includes the rudder and horizontal and vertical
stabilizers.
DJ Hadoken growled in frustration, knowing that at the moment he was completely helpless. Soreman the Jacked was correct in his observation that DJ Hadoken and the other RIAopians had been keeping their maximum power hidden until now. They were doing this in order to maintain a strategic advantage. But if there was any time for DJ Hadoken to reveal his maximum power, that time was now.
At the moment, though, all that DJ Hadoken could to do was wiggle his head slightly. He realized that if he focused, he could wiggle his head more and more. “¿Myah? ¿Myah?” the wiggling seemed to have confused the fanny pack. DJ Hadoken could feel the fanny pack adjusting itself, trying to maintain its grip on his neck.
Soreman the Jacked’s dominant hand released his long white staff which then began to hover in the air beside him. He then began to thoroughly stroke and rub the empennage of the tactical fighter jet with both his hands. As he did this, he continued to taunt DJ Hadoken, “Me siento un poco decepcionado, porque parece que no puedes escapar de mi técnica especial de El Kana Shibari.”
Soreman the Jacked then gripped tightly onto the empennage of the tactical fighter jet and began to slowly spin around in the air with it, “Quizá sobreestimé las habilidades de ustedes RIAopians. En realidad, ¡desde el principio no eran más que insectos débiles!”
DJ Hadoken growled and furiously wiggled his head more and more, realizing that Soreman the Jacked was preparing for another attack. “¡Myaah! ¡Myaaah!” the fanny pack seemed irritated. DJ Hadoken noticed that his furious wiggling had managed to slightly loosen the grip it had on his neck, but it was still not enough. He continued to furiously wiggle his head as if his life depended on it (which, at the moment, it did).
Soreman the Jacked spun around with the the tactical fighter jet faster and faster, gathering momentum. Soon he was spinning with it so fast that it became a blur in the air. And then Soreman the Jacked shouted,
“¡Este será tu fin, RIAopian!
¡¡¡TOOOOOMAAAAAAA!!!”
Soreman the Jacked released the tactical fighter jet, sending it tumbling towards DJ Hadoken. DJ Hadoken growled as he furiously wiggled his head left and right, the fanny pack’s grip growing ever looser and looser.
“¡Myaaah! ¡Déjame tocar! ¡Déjame tocar!” the fanny pack exclaimed as it tried to maintain its grip on DJ Hadoken’s neck. But DJ Hadoken knew he was gaining the advantage in this struggle. The fanny pack’s grip soon became so loose that the effect of its power over DJ Hadoken weakened and he realized that he could move his arms again.
With the tactical fighter jet tumbling towards him and not a moment to spare, DJ Hadoken growled loudly as he grabbed the fanny pack with both his hands. “¡Myeeaaaaah!” the fanny pack shrieked as DJ Hadoken pulled it off his neck and tore it in half. Immediately he regained full control of his body. He lifted himself up onto his knees. The air around him glowed brightly as he focused his energy and took off into the air at tremendous speed.
DJ Hadoken flew directly at the tumbling tactical fighter jet. “THE ENEMY! 3 O’CLOCK! BREAK LEFT! BREAK LEFT!” the cockpit computer gave one last alert just before DJ Hadoken punched through the tactical fighter jet so hard that it shattered and exploded; bits and pieces of it sparkled in the soft white light that was being emitted from the Moon as they rained down onto the ground.
But DJ Hadoken’s target was not the tactical fighter jet. His target was Soreman the Jacked, who was still floating several hundred feet (or tens of meters) away behind it. DJ Hadoken flew quickly onwards towards Soreman the Jacked, determined to face him head on.
Soreman the Jacked, not surprised in the least, easily parried DJ Hadoken’s furious punches and kicks. DJ Hadoken felt frustrated, but was determined on defeating Soreman the Jacked once and for all. Soreman the Jacked taunted him, “Me divertí al verte escapar de mi técnica especial de El Kana Shibari. Pero desafortunadamente, si esto es en realidad tu máximo poder, ¡no será suficiente para derrotarme!”
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“¡Nunca me podrás tocar!
¡ZAN ZOU!”
Suddenly, Soreman the Jacked stopped parrying and blocking. But DJ Hadoken’s punches and kicks now simply passed through Soreman the Jacked’s body, as if Soreman the Jacked had become some sort of ghostly apparition.
The ghostly apparition of Soreman the Jacked grinned at DJ Hadoken as it slowly faded away. “¡¿Qué?!” DJ Hadoken was confused but instinctively knew that Soreman the Jacked would try to get him from behind. So he spun around and threw his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issuse Binoculars so hard that it seemingly ripped a hole in the space-time continuum (much like those times when Hulk Smash did the same when he chased butterflies).
But Soreman the Jacked was still nowhere to be seen, and DJ Hadoken could not detect his ki. DJ Hadoken attempted to prepare himself for whatever was coming. And then from somewhere indeterminable he heard the voice of Soreman the Jacked, “¡¿Quizás no me escuchaste cuando dije, ‘NUNCA ME PODRAS TOCAR’?!”
DJ Hadoken looked around as more ghostly apparitions of Soreman the Jacked appeared and surrounded him. He could not detect Soreman the Jacked’s ki within any one of them.
“¡No eres el único que puede esconder su ki!” Soreman the Jacked laughed.
DJ Hadoken growled in frustration, “¡Deja de esconderte detrás de tus trucos, Soreman the Jacked! ¡Sal y pelea!”
Soreman the Jacked’s voice responded, “Sí, como tu desees. Pronto te derrotaré y seguiré despachando con los otros RIAopians. Y después de eso iré a la torre de Bacadû-dû donde vive Mouron en Morbor y lo derrotaré para demostrar a todos que ¡YO SOY EL MÁS PODEROSO DE CENTRAL-DIRT!”
The ghostly apparitions of Soreman the Jacked quickly vanished. DJ Hadoken was now seemingly hovering alone, high up in sky. DJ Hadoken closed his eyes and maintained a fighting stance as he attempted to detect Soreman the Jacked. But all he could feel was the cool Autumn light that was being emitted from the Moon.
Suddenly DJ Firestarter shouted, “¡Papá, cuidado detrás de ti!” But when DJ Hadoken reacted, it was already too late.
A massive globule of white energy struck DJ Hadoken from behind, sending him hurtling downwards into the Dark Lake. The strike had been so intense that there was a large explosion when he hit the surface, shooting a towering column of strange protein water, dead creatures, and mud into the air.
Soreman the Jacked then rapidly sprayed more globules of white energy through the towering column of the explosion and down towards where DJ Hadoken had fallen. Soreman the Jacked shouted fiercely, “¡Esta vez no escaparás como escapaste mi técnica especial de El Kana Shibari! ¡No sobrevivirás a esto!” The white globules exploded on impact, creating more destruction within the towering column and vaporizing all of the strange protein water.
The Dark Lake was now just another barren crater; a thick cloud of steam and debris filled the air in the aftermath.
“¡No puede ser! ¡¿Soreman the Jacked derrotó a mi papá?!” DJ Firestarter shouted.
“No... no quiero creer esto...” The General’s hands were shaking.
But then Diver Dan noticed something and pointed, “¡Esperen, amigos! ¡Mira eso!”
As the steam and debris cleared, they could see that DJ Hadoken was kneeling on the ground. His clothes were torn and he was breathing heavily, “Haa... Ha... Haaaaah...”
The General regained hope, “¡Es DJ Hadoken! ¡Todavía está vivo!”
Soreman the Jacked floated downwards, closer to DJ Hadoken, “¡Oh! ¡Aún sigue con vida! ¡Es impresionante! ¡Ya acepto que tu eres unos de los elegidos por The Ancients!”
Soreman the Jacked stopped where he was in mid-air. He now was using both his hands to firmly grip his long white staff as he looked down at DJ Hadoken, who was still breathing heavily. He sneered at DJ Hadoken, “Pero eso ya no da caso, ¡porque este será tu fin!”
“¡Rayos!” DJ Hadoken had already taken so much damage that he could barely move.
The veins on Soreman the Jacked’s hands throbbed as he tightened his grip, accumulating as much energy as possible in his long white staff. It pulsated as he prepared to deal the final blow.
“¡Tómate otra técnica especial de Soreman the Jacked!
¡CHIII NOOO HAAA SSSHHHAAAAA!”
And then suddenly, a large globule of red energy burst out from the tip of Soreman the Jacked’s long white staff and hurtled through the air towards DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken had not had enough time to recover from Soreman the Jacked’s previous attack. He muttered in between breaths, “Ya.. no tengo energía para esquivarlo...”
“¡Papá!” In an instant, DJ Firestarter appeared in the air between Soreman the Jacked’s attack and DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken was still too weak to stop DJ Firestarter. All he could do was shout, “¡DJ Firestarter, no!”
The large globule of red energy impacted DJ Firestarter’s body. He cried out in agony as he received the full force of Soreman the Jacked’s attack, “¡AAAAAGGGGG!”
DJ Hadoken shouted in despair, “¡DJ Firestarter! ¡NO!”
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“¡Gyajajaja!” Soreman the Jacked laughed hysterically.
DJ Hadoken shook DJ Firestarter. He was trying to keep him conscious as he shouted, “¡Te dije que no te metieras! ¡DJ Firestarter! ¡DJ Firestarter!”
DJ Firestarter opened his eyes slightly and muttered, “Pa.. pá... perdóname....”
DJ Hadoken continued shaking DJ Firestarter, “¡DJ Firestarter, resiste!”
DJ Firestarter muttered weakly, “Perdóname... porque... yo... no era... más fuerte... como tú...” His eyes then closed.
“¡No! ¡Resiste!” Tears of rage filled DJ Hadoken’s eyes.
Still floating in the air, Soreman the Jacked had been observing from above. This unexpected turn of events had amused him. He laughed at DJ Hadoken, “¡Jajaja! ¿Qué te pasa, DJ Hadoken? ¿Por qué no te sientes feliz por evitar sufrir mi técnica especial de Chi No Ha Sha?”
DJ Hadoken growled in frustration. He was not amused by Soreman the Jacked’s twisted sense of humor. He looked up and shouted back at Soreman the Jacked, “¡Eres un maldito!”
The General came towards DJ Hadoken and said, “DJ Hadoken, DJ Firestarter aún sigue con vida. Yo me encargaré de él.”
DJ Firestarter reacted to The General’s voice, “Señor.... The General...” he muttered.
The General regretted that he could not help DJ Hadoken more, “Lo siento, pero... esta pelea es de un nivel muy alto. Si peleara, sólo sería un estorbo para ti. Lo menos que puedo hacer es encargarme de DJ Firestarter.”
DJ Hadoken helped The General pick up DJ Firestarter, “Sí, The General, lo entiendo. Te lo encargo. Por favor, cuidelo. Dale un cafecito de ermitaño. ¡Por favor, date prisa!” With DJ Firestarer in his arms, The General nodded and turned to run. But then...
“¡The General, cuidado!” DJ Hadoken tried to warn The General, but it was already too late.
“¡¡¡AAAGGG!!!” The General cried out in pain. He crumpled to the ground after a bright beam of energy pierced through his back. DJ Firestarter dropped face down on the ground beside him.
DJ Hadoken screamed in rage, “¡AAAAAAAAAAH!”
Soreman the Jacked floated in the air directly above them. He laughed hysterically, “¡JAJAJAJAJA! ¡Las hormigas sufrirán el mismo castigo que las demás!” Many globules of white energy fiercely sprayed out from his long white staff, crushing The General’s and DJ Firestarter’s bodies against the rocky ground.
Diver Dan, who had remained behind at the vantage point, used his RIA Army-Grade Standard Issue Binoculars to observe the other RIAopians getting pounded. Diver Dan exclaimed, “¡Serán escachados!”
But then DJ Hadoken screamed, “¡GYYAAAA!”
Soreman the Jacked realized that he had been caught off guard, “¡¿Qué?!” A ball of glowing energy knocked him away, breaking his attack on The General and DJ Firestarter.
“¡AAAAAAAAAH!” DJ Hadoken screamed in rage. “¡Lastimaste a mi hijo! ¡Lastimaste a mis amigos! ¡Eres un cobarde!” The air around him glowed intensely. He clenched his hands in fury.
Soreman the Jacked hovered in the air nearby, trying to recuperate from the attack he had just received. He breathed heavily as he watched DJ Hadoken.
DJ Hadoken growled and shouted as loudly as he could towards Soreman the Jacked, “¡Nunca te perdonaré! ¡NUNCA TE PERDONARÉ!” He crouched slightly, brought his palms close together at his side, and began to gather glowing energy between them, preparing for another attack.
DJ Hadoken recalled all the innocent RIAopians that had been lost on R-Day.
He remembered the
slight uneasiness
he had felt when he first
arrived in Central-dirt. He remembered
the dark pigeon
that he saw that night after
they conquered the Shanty Hills. And that he still had not heard anything from
DJ Benvenuto
or
Guy the Manager, who was with him.
DJ Hadoken then remembered that there were still pending updates to The Funk that he had to make. And he remembered that he had still not finished teaching The Funk Mistress how to use the control panel of the new version of the website. He also remembered that he had not made her an admin on the message board yet. Oh, and she had mentioned that something was wrong with her riafunk.com e-mail address. And he wanted to ask her later to edit the second and third drafts of this story.
DJ Hadoken then remembered that there were still pending updates to The Funk that he had to make. And he remembered that he had still not finished teaching The Funk Mistress how to use the control panel of the new version of the website. He also remembered that he had not made her an admin on the message board yet. Oh, and she had mentioned that something was wrong with her riafunk.com e-mail address. And he wanted to ask her later to edit the second and third drafts of this story.
This ruthless invasion of Central-dirt will have been in vain if RIA lost now.
If he was going to beat Soreman the Jacked, DJ Hadoken knew that he had to muster up the strongest hadoken that he could. But could he? Until now he had mastered the Hadoken Level 7. But could he go beyond that?
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“HAAAAAA...”
The air around DJ Hadoken’s hands started to glow.
Diver Dan realized what DJ Hadoken was trying to do, “¡DJ Hadoken intenta superar el límite de su ataque de Hadoken Nivel 7!” He saw a light of hope, “Sí, ¡tal vez pueda derrotar a Soreman the Jacked con este ataque!”
Soreman the Jacked did not feel threatened by DJ Hadoken. He tried to advise the RIA DJ, “¿Qué vas a hacer? ¿Tiene intención de hacer otro ataque? ¡Con ese cuerpo, no podrás sostenerlo! ¡Ya no te queda fuerza para pelear!”
“DOOOOO...”
DJ Hadoken was not interested in what Soreman the Jacked had to say.
Soreman the Jacked laughed at this seemingly feeble attempt at self-preservation by DJ Hadoken, “¡Te vas a morir por tu propia cuenta! ¡Me estás haciendo un gran favor! ¡Jajaja!”
“KEEEEEN...”
DJ Hadoken drastically increased the amount of energy gathering between his palms, accumulating seven levels of glowing energy in an instant.
Then for a moment, Soreman the Jacked’s eyes widened.
“¡NIVEL 7!”
DJ Hadoken thrust his palms forward; a giant wave of bright energy from the Hadoken Level 7 burst forth. It hit Soreman the Jacked, who easily blocked it. But the bright wave of energy continued to rush from DJ Hadoken’s palms.
Soreman the Jacked felt confident now, believing that his opponent’s maximum power was far below his own, “¡Jajaja! ¡Con este poder tan bajo no podrás derrotarme!”
“¡NIVEL 8!”
DJ Hadoken intensified his attack, knowing that now was the time to surpass his limits.
From Soreman the Jacked’s perspective, it felt as if the intensity of the bright wave of energy from DJ Hadoken’s attack had just been multiplied. “¡¿Qué?! ¡¿Estás...?!” he uttered as he now slightly struggled to defend against it.
“¡NIVEL 9!”
DJ Hadoken focused his attack. The increasingly powerful bright wave of energy began to push Soreman the Jacked backwards.
Soreman the Jacked growled in disbelief as he struggled to guard against being overwhelmed by the bright wave of energy from DJ Hadoken’s attack, “¡¿Cómo incrementa su poder?! ¡No puede ser!”
“¡NIVEL 10!”
DJ Hadoken knew that this was still not enough. He had to push further.
Soreman the Jacked realized that he could no longer maintain his guard against DJ Hadoken’s attack. He desperately tried to escape.
“¡¡No te escaparás!!” DJ Hadoken shouted at Soreman the Jacked.
Soreman the Jacked cried out in agony, “¡AAGH!” The bright wave of energy had begun to overwhelm him as he tried to escape.
“¡NUNCA TE PERDONARÉ!” DJ Hadoken knew that he could never forgive someone like Soreman the Jacked. His rage pushed him even further.
“¡NIVEL 11!”
DJ Hadoken shouted. The hadoken now grew larger and larger.
“¡AAAGH!” Soreman the Jacked screamed as he was engulfed by the bright wave of energy.
“¡¡¡NIVEL 12!!!”
DJ Hadoken knew that it was time to finish off Soreman the Jacked. He had to push it to the extreme. At this point, it was all the way or no the way. (Or, “all or nothing” for those of you not yet enlightened by the lore of RIA).
“¡¡¡JAMAS!!!” DJ Hadoken intensified his attack even more as he shouted at Soreman the Jacked. He knew that he must ensure that Soreman the Jacked could never harm another innocent RIAopian ever again.
“¡MALDITA SEA! ¡¡¡MALDITOS RIAOPIANS!!! ¡¡¡¡¡¡AAAAAAGH!!!!!!” Soreman the Jacked shrieked as the unstoppable bright wave of energy from the Hadoken Level 12 completely disintegrated him.
After Soreman the Jacked had been thoroughly disintegrated, DJ Hadoken ceased his attack. He dropped his arms and the bright wave of energy dissipated into innumerable glowing particles. He had a blank expression on his face as his knees buckled and he crumpled to the ground.
To Be Continued...
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